Using the Formula of Compassion: The Absentee Parent and the Anchor of Guilt

I began this round of emotional clearing after having an intense dream about the father of my daughter, Michael. Since I completed this round, I made amends to him personally and it went way better than I expected. At first, I was so nervous, it was hard to breathe, but once I began talking it seemed to flow easily. With the exception of a few months during the worst part of our relationship, we always got along because our personalities complimented each other so well.


Michael has not visited with our daughter more than a handful of times over the years and has firmly insisted that his hatred for me is to blame. The guilt that has arisen from this situation has been an anchor I carried throughout my daughter’s life. She will be twenty-one in January. It is important for you to know a little of the back story of the relationship before you read through the steps. Allow me to briefly explain what happened to harden his and his family’s heart toward me. This is extremely personal, but I am putting it out there anyway, in hopes that it will help others who might read this.

Michael and I met at Victoria Park in Irving, Texas in 1994. I was there with my cousin to see a concert when he walked up and started talking to us. I was only fourteen at the time, and I thought he was very handsome. What I noticed even more than his looks was his sense of humor. We left the park and walked down the street to one of his friend’s houses. It didn’t take long before Michael and I were the best of friends, spending time together every chance we got. I lived within walking distance from him and we met often.


We remained friends until roughly two years later when we dated for a short time. Then seemingly out of nowhere, he stopped taking my calls. He had decided the best way to break things off with me was to ghost me. He even had his mother lie to me when I would call. I was completely heartbroken. It wasn’t until about a year later, when I was seventeen that I called a friend of his and Michael answered the phone that I found out what happened.


He finally told me that he had felt a lot of pressure being in a long-distance relationship and that I was going through a lot of personal things, moving out of town and having family problems so after talking to his mother about it, she advised him to stop taking my calls. He said that she told him that was the best way to break it off and that eventually I would get the hint. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I had only met his mother a couple of times, but what horrible advice! Thanks to her, I had just spent an entire year heartbroken without knowing why.


After talking for a little while over the phone, my sister dropped me off at his friend’s house and that was officially the night that Michael and I got serious. Since Michael was four years older, he was then able to buy alcohol for us. Everything seemed great at first, but it wasn’t long before things turned ugly. There were little things that Michael would say and do that weren’t so little and began to stack up in my mind. The first thing I remember is when we were at his friend Scott’s house watching ‘Married with Children,’ I asked, “If you had met Kelly and me at the same time, who would you pick?” 

Now, I admit this was a rather immature question. Keep in mind that I was only seventeen years old and came from a very broken home. I was never shown love the way an adopted child should. In fact, I was abused in just about every way a child can be abused. I asked the question thinking that, of course, he would choose me. He replied, “Duh, Kerry. Just look at her.” My heart sank into the pit of my stomach when I heard those words. I was not only embarrassed because his friend started laughing, but I couldn’t believe he would say something so cruel.


Right around the same time frame, there was a huge concert event with dozens of bands playing at the Texas Motor Speedway. Michael and I went with another couple to see a few bands. I remember talking about how excited I was to see ‘No Doubt.’ Michael made the comment, “When I see Gwen Stephani on stage, I am gonna’ jizz my pants.”  This wasn’t as bad as the remark about Kelly Bundy, but it still left me bruised. I never talked about other men like that because I didn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings.


Then there was the blue topaz ring. I had always had a thing for blue topaz and wanted a ring so bad I could taste it. Blue topaz is my birth stone. Michael had wanted to do something nice for me. He really did care for me, despite all the thoughtless comments, so we went to Sears at the Irving Mall and picked out a ring. According to Michael, this was a promise ring. How sweet! It took a couple of weeks for them to size it and I was super excited the day we went together to pick it up.


We walked in to get it, and the lady at the counter handed it to him. He turned around, took it out of the box, and said, “Here’s your damn ring.” I looked at the woman behind the counter and her eyes widened. I was so embarrassed I could have melted into the floor. My heart ached as I put my ring on and fought back tears in the middle of the store.


Finally, it was my eighteenth birthday, New Year’s Eve, 1998. My cousin invited us to her house in Royce City to celebrate with her and her family. I remember picking out a cute outfit and making myself look really pretty. I didn’t have much money, but I really wanted this night to be special. After all, it was my birthday! On our way, we stopped at a gas station to get beer and cigarettes. Michael went inside the store and waited in the long line before coming out with the beer. When he got in, I asked if he remembered the cigarettes. He cursed at me, “God damnit, Kerry.” That was followed up with a few more loud expletives before he slammed the car door and stomped back inside the store.


When we arrived at my cousin’s house, things seemed to be going smoothly. We had a couple of beers, ate a bit of food, and my cousin rolled up a joint. She led me to the garage to smoke it, and I looked back at Michael, who sat comfortably in a recliner drinking a beer. I made the gesture that asked if he was coming and he crinkled up his face in annoyance and gestured back with his arm in a shooing motion that clearly conveyed his point “Get the &*%$ out of here already, I’m not coming.” My cousin and I continued to the garage and before we finished smoking our joint, I was in tears. After a few minutes of consolation, I was ready to end the relationship.


The next day, I told Michael that I was not happy and that I wanted to break up. This news devastated him, and he pleaded with me that if I gave him another chance, things would get better. My heart bled for him because I cared for him deeply. After a while of talking, we had a renewed faith in our relationship. We seemed stronger than ever, but that didn’t last long.


At one point, I invited a girlfriend of mine over to spend the night. We had someone buy us a small bottle of liquor and drank the entire bottle while playing card games. Our curiosity got the better of us and we slept together that night. For some reason, I didn’t consider it cheating. Michael saw it differently, and he never got over it. He was hurt but he didn’t break off the relationship.


We began drinking more and more heavily as the relationship progressed. I knew that I had some traumatic things that had happened in my childhood, but it wasn’t until I drank too much that the pain I had suppressed and repressed would surface. All the dumb things that Michael continued to say when we drank together, brought out the worst in me. Now he had a reason to get nasty, I had slept with someone else. We began bringing out the worst in each other. I became violent with him, hitting him, scratching him, trying to hurt him however I could. He would return home from our visits with bruises and scratch marks that could not be hidden, and his family began hating me.


I don’t blame them for hating me. He was their son. Their brother. They wanted to protect him from harm. I would have felt the same way if it was my child showing up with cuts and bruises. No doubt I would do whatever I could to stop it. It wasn’t long after a huge fight at my mom’s house that our relationship was beyond repair. Since I had a huge fear of abandonment, this break-up hit me extremely hard. I internalized everything and blamed myself. It wasn’t long before I began sleeping with another man named James.


After we had been apart for a couple of months, I showed up at his friend Scott’s house, asking Michael for another chance. I just couldn’t let go. This was the night our daughter was conceived.

Since my rebound relationship with James was right before Kalista was conceived, I was not sure which man fathered her. I wanted to believe Michael was the father, but I could not be sure. I made the fatal mistake of not admitting that I had slept with another man right away. Since he would not accept my phone calls, I showed up at his door with a positive pregnancy test in my hand. This news softened Michael’s heart enough to where I stayed the night with him. His family wasn’t thrilled, to say the least, but it didn’t stop us. When I woke up the next morning, Michael had his ear resting on my belly. This was a good sign, and this gave me confidence that he would be a father to my baby.


That was the last time I saw Michael for years to come. He ignored all of my attempts to reach him. I was sure that his mother had once again advised him to ghost me and was totally devastated. One evening when I was around six months pregnant, I had a friend drive me to his house in the middle of the night. I got out of the car and scratched the word, “bitch” on top of his mother’s car. I also scratched the side of her car with a rock, causing hundreds of dollars in damage. I did not care, I was pissed and wanted revenge.


James already had two children and wasn’t thrilled at the idea that he could be my child’s father. He did not disappear though. When Kalista was born, everyone took one look at her and was convinced that Michael was not her father. James came to the house to see her and said himself that she looked just like him. I had my answer. I called Michael’s friend, Scott, and told him let Michael know not to worry because he was not the father. This ended up being another fatal mistake.



​


Months went by and the anxiously awaited paternity test results were in. I drove to the child support office to get the letter and was horrified to read that everyone was wrong, and that James was not her father. They say that looks can be deceiving, and this is painfully true! I began the walk of shame back inside the office, wiping tears out of my eyes while I asked for another paternity order packet. Later that night, I received a phone call from James asking me if I heard the news. He was kind enough to call and make sure I was okay. I was far from okay.


By this time, Michael had moved to Colorado and all the attempts to locate him for a paternity test failed. It wasn’t until Kalista was three years old that the second paternity test results came back showing that Michael was indeed her father. Michael had moved back to Texas and I called him to talk about what was to happen next. I said that if he would like to meet his daughter that I would arrange a trip to a neutral location where he could visit with her. We chose Getzendaner Park in Waxahachie as our meeting place. Before we hung up the phone, Michael advised me that if I was to get into a car wreck and Kalista was killed on the way, that at least he wouldn’t have to pay child support. This was a prelude to the kind of father he would be for the remainder of our daughter’s childhood.

---

Over the years, I tried several times to invite Michael into his daughter’s life. I realized that I had played a major part in the reason he was not around, and I wanted to make things right. It became increasingly obvious that he did not care to be in her life and he simply became a man who was forced to pay child support. I don’t know what happened in his life where this became a good idea, but he convinced my mother to allow him to rent a room in her house. They kept it a secret from me for a while but when I found out about it, I felt the sting of betrayal running through me.


This is the same woman, who when Kalista was still an infant got upset with me for something I did when I was fourteen and tried to have me thrown in jail. I came home from work one bitterly cold evening and she abruptly picked up the phone and told the police that I had a warrant and to come pick me up. I had 15 minutes to grab everything I could, pack my baby and my things into my car and leave before I went to jail.


When Kalista was five years old I had moved back in with my mom. I was at work my first day as a Certified Nurse Aide when I received a phone call that I needed to come home. My mother became angry with Kalista and slapped her across her face, giving her a black eye. I was appalled but not surprised because my mother had been so abusive with me. Having no safe place to go with my daughter, I ended up at a homeless shelter. So, you could see how the idea of my daughter’s absentee father living with my mother would be somewhat aggravating.


When the secret was revealed I asked how she could allow him to live there when he was not there for his daughter. My mother replied, “Well, Kerry, if you weren’t such a horrible person, maybe he would be there for Kalista.” I said a few expletives and hung up in disgust.


Kalista was often sad that her father never came around. There were a couple of times at Christmas when he would bring presents, but I get the impression he was forced by his mother to bring them. Many times, he told Kalista he would see her again soon, but there would be months or often years between his visits. In 2008, I was in a bad relationship where my boyfriend broke my arm. Since I had to be tranquilized in order for the doctors to set the badly broken bones, the staff called CPS who came and picked her up. They told me that there was “no one watching her.”


During court, Michael tried his best in relinquishing his rights to Kalista. The judge and my attorney knew that it was because he wanted to get out of paying his child support. It was transparent and utterly pathetic. When the case was completed in 2009, I finally had my feet on the ground. We had our own place and I had a good paying job that kept us afloat. With Kalista sitting next to me one evening, I picked up the phone and dialed his number so she could talk to him. They talked for a few minutes and she asked why he never saw her. He told her, “I hate your mother.”


Two years later, his child support arrears had reached upwards of $20,000. A lot of this money was due to interest. I figured that a lot of the reason behind Michael’s hatred for me was that he owed me so much money. I drove down to a child support review, the only income review I ever requested. Michael had just lost his job. The amount of support he was obligated to pay was lowered from $109 to just $60 weekly. I was not too happy because he did not offer any other help with our child, but what could I do?


The idea sprang to mind in that moment that if I was to remove the $7000 of interest he owed at the time, that he would see that I really had changed. Maybe then he would want to be a part of Kalista’s life. I signed the required paperwork and we talked for a few minutes out in the parking lot. It seemed that I had made a difference in the relationship and he said that he would give us a call soon. The call, like so many others, never came.

Drudging up the emotions from this bitter relationship has not been easy. The anger and guilt I have carried with me over the years is a heavy anchor that has weighed me down. Since I have written this summary of our relationship, I have added Michael’s mother to my list of situations to clear using the Formula of Compassion. If I am to totally free myself of this burden, I must do all that I can to truly heal the wounds that fester at my soul.


After I completed the Formula on the issue below, I tried to make amends with his sister. She refused to even open my message. To make my amendment to Michael, I went to his house and talked with him in person. For the first time, I really owned my mistakes and poured my heart and soul out to him about my pain. We talked for a surprisingly long time. He took down mine and Kalista’s phone number and explained that part of the reason for him staying away is to protect his family from potential unruly behavior. He stated that the last couple of times he went to see Kalista, she said inappropriate things and he couldn’t handle it.


That is now between him and Kalista, who any day now will give birth to my grandson. At the end of all of this, I must be able to let go of the guilt that weighs me down. I am no longer responsible for my child’s father not being there. I have done all that I can, and the ball is in his court. My personal opinion is that he will never come around, no matter how badly Kalista prays for a father.

​May 12, 2019
 
I sit here on Mother's Day thinking about the fathers in my life. Yesterday, I put on an episode of Star Trek Next Generation and a huge synchronicity appeared. It was Season 6, Episode 16 titled Birthright, Part I. The episode details the journey of Worf and Data in finding more information regarding their fathers. This is strikingly odd to me because my own father died on June 16, 1994. 6.16. I did not finish watching the episode yesterday and picked it back up today to finish it. As I watched the story of Data finding his father, Dr. Soon, through a lucid dream, I cried surprisingly hard! It seemed that Data discovered he has a soul. Something about that pulled at my heart strings today.
 
It is Mother's Day, yet I can't help being a bit disheartened by the fact that Michael is not in our daughter’s life. She is his only child. We have a sweet grandson on the way and will be grandparents in a few short months. Michael will undoubtedly continue to use his hatred for me as an excuse to not be present for Corbin's life, just as he has for the past twenty years. The other day, I asked my soul before bed, “What issue should I clear with the Formula of Compassion next?” I had a dream about Michael.
 
This dream was a bit of a surprise, since I have already used the Formula on my relationship with Michael. I considered it completely cleared, but as Jelaila says, there are layers upon layers when it comes to emotional clearing work. My dream showed Michael and me sitting the backseat of a car. He asked me for a copy of our child's social security card. I had my phone in my hand and attempted a couple times to take a picture of what I thought was the card. This was not working out and apparently, I was taking a picture of a photograph of our son. He had black hair and pale skin and was approximately seven years old. I realized my mistake and turned the card over. I then took my cell phone camera and carefully lined up the camera and photo, holding them still while I took the photo. I could see the numbers and words on the card but couldn’t make out what it said.
 
When I woke up, I had 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran playing on the spiritual jukebox. It was the part that says, “We were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was.” The timing of this coming up with Michael is also odd because I just received news the night before that his child support arrears has been cut in half. I called the Office of the Attorney General to see what happened and was told that he had some sort of asset that was seized and used to pay the debt. This coming Tuesday we will receive a lump sum payment of $6,526,00.
 
The synchronicities with the amount of the payment is blaring me in the face. I have a distinct gut feeling that Divine Mother/Feminine is working through me. (I realized later that it is also Divine Masculine)
 
5-13-2019
 
What I was getting at with the number synchronicity yesterday is that the number 6 represents divine feminine/Earth/Gaia, and perfect harmonious balance. 5 represents change. The numbers 6526 means to me that I would go from perfect harmonious balance as a soul incarnating on Earth in this life, my experiences would shake me up to inspire change, then things will go back 2 perfect harmony.
 
I had a spontaneous out of body experience a couple of years ago where I visited a parallel version of myself. This version did not have a daughter, she had a son. I can’t help but wonder if this little boy is Michael’s in that reality. I will briefly describe the experience:
 
I enter the small apartment through the closet and drop down near a bed. The bed is freshly made with an off pink color bedspread. In the corner of the room is an older model 24” TV on a plain looking stand. There is nothing special about the room. I realize that I am floating, but don’t think anything of it. Down the hall are family photos, but I do not pay them any mind. The hallway is dark, and I can barely see them anyway.
 
I make my way into the living room where there is another TV set up against the wall to the right. There is also a window and a door on that side. To my left is a brown recliner. There is an open bar area connecting the kitchen to the living room and I notice an 8”x10” framed photo sitting on the counter with two large round stickers stuck to it. I float up to it and pick it up. I begin to peel away the larger sticker first and reveal a woman that looks a lot like me. She is just like me except she has darker straight hair and weighs about 20 lbs. less. Now that I am aware that I am looking at another version of myself, I look to the smaller sticker and begin to peel it away. It reveals a little boy, around seven years old with brownish black hair.
 
Upon realizing that the little boy is my son, I begin to wonder about Kalista. Panic begins to settle in as I think that my daughter does not exist here. This realization leaves me horribly cold and empty. I turn around and go into the second bedroom at the opposite end of the hallway from the room where I entered. This bedroom belongs to the little boy in the picture. He has baseball stuff in his room and blue is the predominant color, making it ever more obvious he is not my daughter. The comforter on his twin bed was royal blue, and I knelt down beside it, running my hands over the smoothness of the made bed. There seems to be a massive hole inside my chest, and I begin sobbing hysterically for Kalista. There is a comforting voice that tells me, “It’s the same soul, Kerry. It’s the same soul.”
End OBE
 
Michael, as far as I know, is single and has no other children. He never married. It seems like part of me has been quite selfish as to how my role did and may still be affecting him. Where does his powerful hatred for me stem from? Have I completely ruined relationships for him? Have I left a scar inside him so deep that he will remain single for the rest of his life? Is he satisfied that he will bear no more children?
 
He drinks very heavily or did in the past. There have been a few times when he would be wasted, crying over the phone to Kalista about how horrible of a father he has been. He knows deep down that the blame does not lie solely with me. They say that the truth comes out when drunk. Does Michael feel a sense of torment for the choice he made to be an absentee father to our child? When I look back on the last twenty years, I know in my core that I was not troublesome towards Michael and his family. After Kalista was born, I did not cause drama in his life.
 
I would call and try to reach him for help and needed money because I was struggling at first. He not once would ask to visit Kalista without being goaded into it. I never called and threatened him, or deliberately harmed him. I not once called and threatened any girlfriend he has had. In fact, I don’t know of even one relationship he has had after me.
 
At the end of the day, Michael knows that I am not the reason he stayed away from his daughter. It is himself that wants to stay away because he cannot let go of what happened between us before Kalista was born. It all boils down to one year that I put him through absolute hell, and I have been paying the price ever since. Kalista is still paying the price. I pray that taking this second layer through the Formula and making direct amends to him will allow him to release whatever fear and anger he is harboring. He is about to be a grandfather. Will he blame me for not being a part of his grandson’s life as well? We have nothing but time to find out.
 
‘We were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was.’ This was the line I woke up hearing on the spiritual jukebox the other day. Have I been so absorbed in my own drama that I forgot how he felt about me? We were extremely close for a couple of years before we dated. He was four years older, being eighteen when we met. This doesn’t mean he didn’t fall in love with me when I was fourteen. He was never good at expressing his emotions. Neither of us were. We both had our own way of being horrible at expressing our feelings.
 
I just put on Pandora and asked Samuel (one of my guides) to play a song that would help me clear this issue. I needed something to give me a clue about Michael’s state of mind, and this is the first song that played: (I was TOTALLY blown away by the synchronicity)
 
‘St. Robinson in His Cadillac Dream’ by The Counting Crows
‘Staring out of his window as the world rushes by
Arthur Robinson closes the glass and replies,
"I dream of Ballerinas and I don't know why (I was a ballerina as a child)

 (‘but I see Cadillac's sailing
I was born on the shores of the Chesapeake Bay
But Maryland and Virginia have faded away
And I keep thinking tomorrow is coming today
So I am endlessly waiting
And the comet is coming between
Me and the girl who could make it all clean
Out there in the shadow of the modern machine
Walks St. Robinson in his Cadillac dream.
Carrie's down in her basement all toe shoes and twinned (My name is Kerry)
With the girl in the mirror who spins when she spins (reference to the emotional clearing mirror)
From where you think you'll end up to the state that you're in
Your reflection approaches and then recedes again
I have dreamed of a black car that shimmers and drives
Down the length of the evening to the carnival side
In a house where regret is a carousel ride
We are spinning and spinning and spinning and now...
There's a hole in the ceiling down through which I fell
There's a girl in a basement coming out of her shell
And there are people who will say that they knew me so well'
I may not go to heaven
I hope you go to hell

Songwriters: Adam F. Duritz, lyrics © Imagem U.S. LLC
 
The next song on the playlist:
 
‘Hostage’ by Billie Eilish 
‘I wanna be alone, alone with you - does that make sense?
I wanna steal your soul and hide you in my treasure chest
I don't know what to do, to do with your kiss on my neck
I don't know what feels true, but this feels right so stay a sec
Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec, and let me crawl inside your veins
I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It's not like me to be so mean, you're all I wanted
Just let me hold you like a hostage
Gold on your fingertips, fingertips against my cheek
Gold leaf across your lips, kiss me until I can't speak
Gold chain beneath your shirt, the shirt that you let me wear home
Gold's fake and real love hurts, and nothing hurts when I'm alone'

Songwriters: Billie Eilish O'Connell / Finneas Baird O'Connell, hostage lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group
 
Next song up on the spirit guide jukebox:
 
‘Hopeless Opus’ by Imagine Dragons                        
'Hey Mr. cage man let me get a fresh breath
Cherry bomb head strong I could fake my own death
Hey Mr. fate man shuffle me a ninth life
I've been wrong, go long
Throwing me a sharp right
It's not a picture-perfect life
Not what I had in mind
Let me write my own line
I've got this place
That I've filled with empty space
Oh I'm trying not to face what I've done
My hopeless opus
I'm in this race and I'm hoping just to place
Oh I'm trying not to face what's become of me
My hopeless opus
Hey, Mr. safe man hustle me an okay
I could slide take a dive take it for the home team
Hey Mr. postman slip me one more green note
I've been low hit the floor looking just to make broke'
​
Songwriters: Benjamin Arthur Mckee / Daniel Coulter Reynolds / Daniel James Platzman / Daniel Wayne Sermon, Hopeless Opus lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
 
Wow. These three songs really say it all. I need a little bit of time to wrap my mind around the lyrics I’ve just read. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Apparently, I have inadvertently stolen a piece of his soul, and he stolen a piece of mine. (Soul Loss & Soul Retrieval) I have learned over the last year that I can be in direct communication with the soul of those in my life. Even though the one in physical form will not be aware of it, their soul communicates with me. This was and still is an extremely powerful lesson for me.

 
May 17, 2019 
It has been a few days since I last wrote on this situation. I have spent some of the money that was seized from Michael on many things that Kalista and I needed, thinking of Michael the whole time. I repeatedly saw license plates saying LIE. When I was a teenager, and Michael spent most of his time hanging out with me, I never realized how much I meant to him. I knew that he had “a thing” for me, but true, unconditional love was a foreign entity I had never experienced.
 
When we began dating in 1996, he really fell in love with me. His upbringing was not perfect, but he knew love in his life, and felt it for me. When I told him that I loved him, it was a lie. I cannot love someone, truly, when I don’t know how to love myself. When I saw how beautiful one of his exes was, I was so jealous that I could not stand it.
 
I thought, “How could he want me when he had her?” His mother kept an 8”x10” photograph of her on the TV in their living room. This drove me insane. Her family was wealthy, and it seemed like she was everything I was not. I secretly resented the love they had for this girl, and it became a poison in our relationship.

Step One: What is the lesson I wanted to learn regarding Michael and our situation?
The lesson is self-love. I did not love myself enough to have the confidence for a healthy relationship. Ever. It has taken until age 39 to realize that he was not perfect, but his love for me was real. I could not see the potential in myself and could not see why anyone would love me. I didn’t love me. I had no idea how truly beautiful I AM.


Step Two: What is the contract I made with Michael regarding the lesson I wanted to learn?
The contract is that I would meet Michael at a critical time in my childhood, and we would fall in love too young, not knowing what it was. Then, I would have the chance to destroy that love in a way that would reflect back to me the pain my childhood inflicted. He agreed to show me the reflection of a life without love and teach me the beauty I truly possess. This would help me rebuild my shattered confidence.


Step Three: What are the roles we played to act out the lesson?
Michael played an 18-year-old kid, with a loving mother and sister. He played the alcoholic who had trouble communicating his emotions and shrinks up in front of others. A recluse who cannot deal with the cruel world at hand, so he shuts himself off from society and drinks in closed quarters to numb his pain.
I played a teenage girl whose abusive childhood ripped away her self-esteem and self-love. An overly dramatic teenager who treats her boyfriend badly because she cannot comprehend that he truly loves her. An alcoholic and drug addict who cannot handle the reflection in the mirror. A crazy, psychotic ex who flies off the handle in jealous rages.


Step Four: What is the aspect that Michael reflects by playing the role we agreed he would play?
A monster. What comes to mind is the dragon that I saw in my dream that was really a sobbing little boy on the inside. A woman who cannot sit still in front of the mirror for too long and always needs a distraction to numb her pain.


Step Five: What is the gift Michael gives to me by playing his role?
It is obvious that Michael is in a lot of pain by the fact he is still isolating himself and drinking alone. This tells me so much about what his state of mind is. The messages I received through the songs on Pandora have been so telling. He still hurts from the relationship we had, regardless of whether he is consciously aware of it or not. His gift to me is the pain he agreed to endure to show me that I am unconditionally loved and worthy of that love. Not only did I hurt him by my actions and behavior, I stole a part of his soul. Maybe we are the same soul (Twin Flame). Who knows?


Step Six: Can I accept the role that Michael played to act out his part in the lesson?
Yes. I am grateful to be sitting here in the light of the new information that he did love me, and his soul never stopped and never will stop.


Step Seven: Can I let go of anger toward Michael for the role he played?
Yes.
 
Step Eight: Can I release Michael from blame?
Yes.


Step Nine: Can I be kind to Michael?
I will get ready now and go to his house to make my amends in person.