Using The Formula of Compassion - My First Line of Meth

***Some names have been changed for privacy reasons.***

​June 12, 2019
 
I had my first line of meth at age 14. I wrote about this a couple of days ago and became noticeably angry when recalling the details. Jesse Morgan asked me if I wanted to try something cool, and then chopped up a shiny, pink line of crystal meth. This was the first time I felt comfortable in my own skin.
What do I know about Jesse? I know that his brother spent time in prison for murdering his mother and her boyfriend. I am not sure how old Jesse was when this happened, but I can assure that he was emotionally scarred from it. I will delve into that a little later, I’m sure. Jesse wasn’t on my list of people to use the Formula on until two days ago. The wound is fresh, and I am about to dig so deep into my wounds, I am bound to hit their core.
I was just telling my sponsor earlier today how we peel away the band aids to feel every bit of pain when we get sober. Then, emotional clearing peels away the scars, leaving the skin raw and vulnerable. This is what I am now dealing with, skin that has become raw from the many band aids that were ripped off. These wounds have festered for many years while I self-medicated.
At the time that I snorted that first line, I had already been smoking cigarettes for two years and smoke pot whenever I could. There is a certain photo of me that was taken at that apartment that continues popping into my head. I was wearing a maroon ‘Rage Against the Machine’ t-shirt and some baggy jeans, and had my leg wrapped around the side of the building in a playfully “sexy” pose. As I wrote the other day, I was pretending to be sexy, not realizing that I was beautiful already. A friend of mine back then told me that I should wear form-fitting clothing, but I remember thinking I was too skinny to be beautiful. So, I felt more comfortable in the baggy clothes.
Why would Jesse Morgan think it was a good idea to give me a line of crystal meth? Is it possible that he saw my hidden beauty and had a sexual agenda? I know now that most men who use meth get so horny that they can’t think of much else. It really is strange to me. My head would be so far in the clouds that I didn’t know what planet I was on, and they would be watching porn and asking for a blowjob! Did Jesse give me that first line in hopes that I would get horny? Or maybe he thought further ahead to when I would want a second line and hoped I would go to any length to get it.
It seems that meth use is somehow tied into my sexuality. I have been detached from my body for many years, and it just might have started as soon as I snorted my first line in my aunt’s bedroom that day. Addictions to men, meth, cigarettes, alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, etc., are all but distractions from what is happening down here. I wanted to think about anything but my body and how to treat it. It is as if I have been ashamed to even have a body. Being far out in outer space is where I have spent my life until the last couple of years, and it is getting more and more uncomfortable in my skin. This is just where I know I need to be.
Why would a child be ashamed to be in the body they were born into? How many kids out there would agree to do a line of meth and keep it a secret? If I had to guess, I would have to say not many!
 
June 13, 2019
 
As I finished up last night, a random song popped into my head: ‘Elastic Heart’ by Sia. It was the part that goes, “You did not break me. I’m still fighting for peace.”
That says a lot about my mentality doesn’t it. Did that message come from my soul? I might have an elastic heart, but I have never had thick skin. There are certain words and events that have stuck with me my entire life.
After my dreams of last night, I am convinced this incident with meth, along with other sexual violations that occurred as a child, has had a direct influence on the loss of my sexuality. It is more than a loss, really. It is a perversion of my sexuality. It is odd that I never felt comfortable with myself and my sexual organs. I had a very early interest in sexual things, and even got into trouble at school for bringing xxx-rated pornography to my 2nd grade classroom and showing them to all of my classmates.
There is a child that I grew up with that I would “play around” with in a sexual way. I simply brushed this off as kids being kids, but now I am not convinced just how “normal” any of that was. One of my childhood friend’s parents refused to allow their child to visit with me after I showed their daughter my vagina and tried to mess around with her. I remember always wanting to play “cops and robbers” with a sexual twist. I was a damaged kid and felt rotten from my core. But why?
From my soul’s perspective, I asked Jesse to crush up that line of meth for me. It knew that I would snort it and feel like a million bucks, and it knew it would be short-lived. The plan all along was for me to become hooked on meth. Of this, I am certain.
 
June 16, 2019
 
Today is my father, Jerry’s birthday. It is also Father’s Day. This morning, I laid in bed and heard a child scream, “Daddy.” I took this as a sign that I needed to communicate with Ella (my inner child). Since I have not been very efficient at talking to her on a regular basis, I feel as though I have been somewhat neglecting her. The other day I asked my soul to guide me in learning how to communicate with her. Vocalizing what is happening in my mind has not always been so easy for me, but I am getting better.
As I laid there, I allowed myself to open up and let my guard down. I seem to keep walls up around me all the time when it comes to communicating with her and my guides. It is like they are some foreign entity that is completely separate from me. I must stop thinking of them like this. I told Ella not to worry, that we would not be in Waxahachie forever. I let her know that I am aware that she is tired of this place and needs a stable home to feel safe. One of the biggest things going on with her right now is safety.
All of these things are coming to fruition. I explained to Ella that there is a plan for our future, and she must trust me. Lately, she has been reaching for addictions in order to feel comfortable. Addictions have been my crutch my entire life. We must allow ourselves time to accept that our lives are not the same as they were, and that changes have been made for our greatest good. I finished up by telling her multiple times that I love her. I was totally honest about my feelings and let her know that my oral communication skills are not yet at 100%, but I will continue to do my best. I must learn to be Mother and Father to us both.
There was a change to a recurring dream that usually takes place at my mom’s house. For years, I have had dreams of tornadoes coming for me there, and I look through the window to see it coming. Then, I search the house for Kalista. Once I find her, I usually run out of the house in the direction of the tornado toward the bridge or ditch for safety. The last time I dreamed of this was a couple of weeks ago, and I was in the shed walking toward the house. I looked up in the clouds and saw a tornado forming. I immediately thought of Kalista and began making my way to the house.
The dream last night actually woke me out of my sleep. This time, I was at my adopted dad’s house in Rice. There was barely anything at all inside the house, and the walls were bare. The walls looked rickety, as if a slight wind would blow them over. I walked from room to room searching for a safe place to hide from the approaching tornado, but there were no safe places to be found. I knew I must leave the house and find safety because there was no safe place in the house.
(I have since learned this recurring dream is extremely significant. It deals directly with my progress in my emotional clearing over the last couple of years. The situations that plagued my relationship with my mother have now been cleared, as symbolized by the retracting tornado. The tornado in the last dream at my mother’s house was not forming, it was retracting, as if about to form in the new location at my dad’s house. This recurring tornado dream has been occurring for at least 20 years and this was the first time it has changed. I have only used the Formula once on my relationship with my father, so this is signaling that the issues with him are now coming to the surface for healing. Dreams about tornadoes symbolize turbulence in your life. Read more about tornado symbolism here: https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/tornado)
When I was living with my last ex, I tried to give his 11-year-old daughter a small cup of red wine and attempted to give her popcorn with pot butter. This was one of the events that led his parents to pursue a protective order. I was totally hammered when I did this, but I still did it. Back up a few months to when Kalista was 13 and I gave her a line of cocaine. These events are not my shining moments as a parent, but from the higher perspective, I was playing a role for both girls too. There is no right or wrong in the higher echelons of existence, we are souls playing roles.
I am trying to put myself in the mindset of Jesse. I have done things as a parent that are totally shameful. The thing is, that with Jesse, there was a sexual twist on his intention. I am sure that the events in his life had a major impact on him, much as mine did with me, but I must admit I am stumped when dealing with the sexual aspect. I must ask my guides for help with this.
Songs on Pandora tonight were: Billie Eilish ‘Six Feet Under, Florence + Machine ‘Seven Devils’, and McFadden & Whitehead ‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.’ The first two songs seem to be dealing with the polarity of it all, as well as our mortality. The second one seems to be coming from up above for sure, letting me know this all was necessary in order to push me in the right direction during this lifetime. The last song is definitely a word of encouragement to keep it up and that I am on the right track. (There is a deep spiritual meaning contained in the songs that are played during the time when I am working on a Formula issue. Songs may come directly from my soul and guides, ancestors, and/or other souls involved in the issue.)
 
June 17, 2019
 
Last night before bed, I asked for the guide that assists with my sexuality struggles to help me find the lesson in this situation and clear this issue with Jesse. I had a couple of dreams to mention:
I do not remember much about where I was or what was happening, but in one of my dreams, Tiger and Chewy were there. I was talking to someone about them, and I said, “They weigh 72 pounds each.” I looked up the numerological meaning of 144 and got a lot of extremely relevant messages, and I know these are coming directly from them, whoever they are on the other side.
Another dream I had was me in a new classroom that I had never been in. Being in a school I’ve already graduated from is a recurring dream that recently changed when I left my mom’s house. I was in the new classroom with a test in my hand. There were many other students in the class, and I walked to the back and sat next to this blonde-haired guy with glasses. I sat down to his left and began looking at my test. The words in the questions seemed very small and out of sorts and it was hard for me to follow. I did my best to write down a few answers. I started talking to the guy next to me about the test and we went back and forth for a while. Our conversation was light and humorous. The teacher was in the front of the room and began talking. She had long blonde hair and a thin frame.
Scene change
We are coming back from a break where I had been smoking again but I knew I had to quit. I was deciding in my mind when I was going to quit and was not happy about smoking or quitting. (This is another recurring dream I’ve had ever since I quit smoking cigarettes) We began the walk back upstairs to the classroom and the teacher was behind me. There were many other students around me. The teacher said, “Here you go” and handed me a beer. She had two beers in her hand. One of the male students next to her took one and immediately took a sip. I reached my hand out, but then recoiled once I realized it was beer and said, “Oh, no. I’m a friend of Bill.”
I go back up several flights of stairs and know that I must make it back to the seventh floor where my classroom is. There are other people around me, but not as many. I get back in the classroom and take my test paper in my hand again. The words are much clearer than before, and I begin to write down some answers while I wait for everyone else to come back in from break.
End dream
 
(After a couple more days of procrastination, I finally began working on the Formula)
 
Step One: What is the lesson I wanted to learn regarding Jesse Morgan and meth?
The lesson I wanted to learn regarding Jesse introducing me to meth is that I am beautiful just how I am. For a long time, I did not feel beautiful. Even now I am struggling with this. When I imagined the scene of when this happened, it was so dark in the room, I could barely see. Self-love is so important for me and for Jesse, and people who truly love themselves don’t use meth. Only people who hate themselves and have no respect for their bodies do that to themselves.
The room was dark, but the light shining within us has always shone brightly. Neither one of us could see that. I cannot fix what isn’t broken, and the perversion of my sexuality and my natural instincts allows me to regain my power and accomplish my goals for being here.
Another aspect of the lesson is that feeling good comes with a sexual price. It cheapened the good feeling I had, making me think that I had to pay for that good feeling with my innocence. This perversion followed me throughout my life.
 
Step Two: What is the contract I made with Jesse regarding our situation?
The contract I made with Jesse is that we would meet at a time in my life when I would be open to doing a line of meth and keep it a secret because I knew it was “wrong.” Jesse agreed that he would play this pivotal role in my life to show me the pretty pink crystal meth as a way of reminding me what I really am. Beautiful. We agreed that he would play a part in perverting my sexuality, so I could later in life reclaim it for myself, and for Gaia. Clearing and healing this issue is not only for myself and my soul, it is for the mass consciousness and Divine Feminine.
 
Step Three: What are the roles me and Jesse played to act out the lesson?
My role was an innocent teenage girl who lacked love for herself and lacked a shred of confidence. An abused orphan child who had no idea how beautiful she really was. A girl who would try meth for the first time and love how it made her feel because everything else in her life seemed deplorable.
Jesse played the role of my aunt’s boyfriend who was a meth addict. A creepy old dude who thought it was a good idea to offer a 14-year-old girl meth because he was horny and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with her. A man so obviously traumatized by his life that this seemed like a normal thing to do.
 
Step Four: What is the aspect Jesse is reflecting back to me by playing the role I asked him to play?
Damage. I see that shiny meth and it reflects back damaged people. Seeing the situation from above, like I am a spectator allows me to see the beauty in myself. I see beautiful souls in a dark room with no light coming in. There is no light in the room, making it hard to see. I am sure the room wasn’t really that dark, but it is obvious that neither of us felt worthy of love. Neither of us could see that we were beautiful beings who were loved unconditionally.
When I gave Kalista that line of cocaine at age 13, I felt like total shit about myself and my life. I realize this is not something that loving parents do, but I love my daughter endlessly, so why did I do it? All of the abuse and trauma in my life made it okay. With Jesse, I know that his brother was in prison for murdering his mother and stepfather. This tells me there was some major abuse going on in that family. It is possible, and extremely likely, that sexual abuse was taking place, and the mother either knew and did nothing, or did not know. Either way, the boys felt helpless and hopeless in the situation, and the brother acted accordingly.
Watching the scene from a spectator soul point of view, I see damaged beauty. I see two beings who were damaged so badly that they forgot they were beautiful. The light was too dim for them to notice.
 
Step Five: What is the gift Jesse gave me by playing his role in the lesson?
Just as it was in many of the other situations that I have cleared, indoctrination alone is enough to traumatize a human being. Socialization teaches children that we must be like all the other children in order to fit in. We train our children that parts of themselves are loveable and some are unlovable. We clip their wings and discourage individualization in order for them to be loved. That is only the beginning of most people’s trauma.
Trauma is piled on top of trauma, compounding until we reach a breaking point. We forget we are beautiful, eternal spiritual beings living a short human experience. We forget our brothers and sisters of Spirit and forget our Divinity. This actually is a magical thing because we, in turn, have the opportunity to regain these seemingly lost concepts. If these souls did not agree to hurt us in this way, we would have nothing to regain.
In essence, Jesse gave me back my Divinity because I did not realize I was Divine. I went through many awkward stages as a child with my hair and make-up. I idolized other kids who I thought were better than me. I thought they were prettier, richer, smarter, funnier, and all around more lovable than me. I did not feel worthy of love, because I was surely worthless. I felt like God hated me, so why would anyone else love me? I sure didn’t love myself.
The only solution was to turn to drugs, because that was the first time since I was born that I truly felt whole. Suddenly, I was bulletproof and there was no other feeling like it. I would spend years chasing that dragon, not realizing that everything I ever needed was already within.
 
Step Six: Can I accept the roles that Jesse and I played in order to act out the lesson?
Yes, I accept the roles that were played.
 
Step Seven: Can I allow myself to let go of anger towards Jesse for the role he played to act out the lesson?
Yes, and I am grateful to him for agreeing to play that role. I know he went through tremendous pain in his life and is likely still in pain from that trauma now.
 
Step Eight: Do I release myself and Jesse from blame?
 
Yes, I release Jesse from blame for the role he played in my life.
I release myself from blame and I realize I was meant to become addicted to meth.
 
Step Nine: Can I show kindness to Jesse?
I will write out a letter to his soul, read it out loud, and then burn it to complete this contract.