March 31, 2019
We all have songs that play in our heads from time to time. They sometimes even get stuck on repeat! They play over and over, refusing to stop. Before my awakening began, I never gave this much thought. I never sat and really listened to the song. I never seriously contemplated the lyrics I heard and how they described my life. When this phenomenon first began for me, I was fresh out of the mental institution. I was living with my friend, John, and we would always listen to the radio in the kitchen while we were cooking or hanging out. I noticed that suddenly the lyrics of each song sounded different. When I heard a love song, it was no longer referring to the love between a man and a woman. It sounded like a stronger love that could only be described at the time as the love between a parent and child. I kept referring to it as “true love.” I asked John several times over the next few weeks what he heard as we listened to certain songs. It became increasingly frustrating when he only heard what I had heard before my awakening began. My Aunt, Wanda, was deemed Schizophrenic years before and not many people in the family took her seriously. Once that label is slapped on, it is a difficult one to peel away. Wanda was told once by one of my cousins that if she talks to “the people in the radio” that they will talk back to her. Wanda would sit and listen to country music on her boom box, talk to it, and wait for someone to communicate back. She also talked often about Mission Control. “I get my orders from headquarters.” Apparently, this was a popular song in her day. Music is a powerful entity. Wanda was constantly in and out of the mental institution. It seems that any time she became the slightest bit odd, she was committed and drugged. Often, drugged against her will. What exactly was it she was listening to with that radio sitting in her lap all that time? She had a beautiful psychic ability. Unharnessed psychic ability is often called Schizophrenia. This is just one of my many labels. We all experience life based on our perception of reality. As humans, we have the need to see and feel things for them to exist. In the old paradigm, we relied solely on the basic five senses. Science taught us that seeing is believing. What does this mean for our other senses? What about our other bodies? We are not simply physical beings. Science never taught me about my Astral body, my Emotional body, my Mental Body, or my Etheric body. Neither science or religion ever taught truth to me about my Soul or Monad. One of the most frustrating things about being labeled with mental illness, for me, was not having anyone around who believed the things I was experiencing. I finally stopped waiting for someone else to believe in me and began the journey of believing in my Self. I was not mentally ill. I was not sick. I have psychic abilities. As soon as I stopped waiting for others to believe in me, and stepped into my power, my life began to improve exponentially. To this day, four years after those songs on the radio began to sound different, John still does not hear what I hear. The point is that I hear messages coming through from the other side. Let me be clear when I say, “the other side.” I do not mean some ominous and otherworldly thing. In this new paradigm, the perception and definition of the other side is changed. The other side is not an unreachable place where loved ones who have passed away disappear to. It is accessible to those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. By our own human birthright, we have the ability to communicate with our ancestors, guides, loved ones, angels and all beings in existence who resonate with us. The soul is immortal, and everyone has a soul. Even animals and insects have a soul. Everything is conscious. To anyone who knows the relationship with my adopted mother, the lyrics in the songs I am going to mention will be easy to reconcile. It will be clear that her soul meant for me to hear the words because they contain specific messages from it to me. My mom and I do not see eye to eye and our past has been extremely rough. She adopted me when I was a baby and made a promise to be a mother to me. She failed to deliver on her promise, and I decided months ago to walk away from the idea that she will ever be a mother to me. In mid-April, 2019, she fell off a ladder in her garage and hit her head, gashing it open on the concrete floor. She lost quite a bit of blood, and needed to be rushed to the emergency room. At some point during this accident she had a minor stroke, followed by several mini strokes. I received a call from my sister that she was in the hospital and not doing well. She received 15 staples to close the wound on her head and was not able to remember how she fell or got to the hospital. I was quite apathetic to the situation and did not go visit her until my sister asked me to meet her there. When I saw my mom laying in the hospital bed, I couldn’t help but feel unconditional compassion for her. Decades of emotional and mental abuse were pushed to the side as I allowed my heart to take her in once more. My sister went out to her car for a few minutes and during that time, I was asked four times where she had gone. She couldn’t remember anything we told her longer than five minutes. At that point, she didn’t even remember her correct address. Had she forgotten how much she hated me? After four days in the hospital, it was decided she would be admitted to a rehabilitation facility to receive physical therapy. For a few days, I toyed with the idea that this woman might be a totally changed human being. The old childish need for a mother to love me came rushing back, but I had to keep my hopes down. That way I didn’t have far to fall if she remembered she has no love for me. As I sat in the parking lot of the nursing home one afternoon, a song came on Pandora radio that got my attention. I am going to paste the lyrics below: ‘I Could Die for You’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers ‘Something inside the cards I know is right Don't want to live Somebody else's life This is what I want to be And this is what I give to you Because I get it free She smiles while I do my time I could die for you Oh this life I choose I'm here to be your only go-between To tell you of the sights These eyes have seen What I really want to do is Turn it into motion Beauty that I can't abuse You know that I'd use my senses to You can see that It's only everywhere I'd take it all and then I'd find a way to share Come along and go Along with me Wander with me yo It's all for free I could die for you What you want to do Oh this life I choose Come again and tell me Where you want to go What it means for me To be with you alone Close the door and No one has to know How we are I could die for you What you want to do Oh this life I choose Make me want to say' Songwriters: Michael Balzary / John Frusciante / Anthony Kiedis / Chad Smith I Could Die for You lyrics © MoeBeToBlam This is the life that we chose. These are the roles that we wanted to play for each other. If you know about soul contracts, you know we choose our lives before we incarnate, including our parents and life lessons. Why on earth would I choose a life without a mother? My biological mother died when I was a month old. To then be adopted by another woman who is incapable of loving me seems like a hard life to choose. When you work through the Formula of Compassion, you learn that those who play roles in our lives must experience their own trauma in order to fulfill their role. The souls who love us the most are the ones who agree to inflict the most pain. My biological mother chose to die to fulfill her role in my life. My adopted mother chose to be mistreated in her life in order to fulfill her role. This knowledge is extremely empowering! What is Anthony Kiedis talking about in this song? To each, his own meaning. We hear what we are capable of, based on our life experiences and level of awareness. For me on this day, I heard a message from the soul of my adopted mother directly to me. Information without comprehension creates psychosis. The knowledge of a message from the music on the radio resonates with me, but I would not dare expect the woman inside the nursing home to have a clue about any of this. I would not visit her and explain that her soul sent me messages. I wouldn’t expect anyone in my circle of friends and family to grasp what I am saying, and I no longer try to explain this type of information to them unless they ask. I must know how to walk between the worlds without getting myself committed to the looney bin. This is easier to do with each passing year. A few days passed since her initial injury and my mom’s memory regained strength. She turned back into the same woman she was before. Her anger has been directed mostly at my sister, but it is only a matter of time before she remembers to be hateful to me again. I decided to clean out my horribly neglected car, and took my phone outside for some music. I plugged in a song on YouTube that had been playing on repeat on my Spiritual Jukebox. The first song was: ‘The Chain’ by Fleetwood Mac ‘Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies And if, you don't love me now You will never love me again I can still hear you saying You would never break the chain (Never break the chain) Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light And if you don't love me now You will never love me again I can still hear you saying You would never break the chain (Never break the chain) Chain keep us together (running in the shadow)’ Songwriters: Christine McVie / John Mc Vie / Lindsey Buckingham / Mick Fleetwood / Stephanie Nicks The Chain lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Reach Music Publishing One of the reasons I am here on this planet is to break the chain of trauma and abuse. This pattern has been perpetuated in my lineage for millennia. I allowed abuse to take place in my life in order to receive love from others. My mother’s role is not an easy one for her to play. She was neglected and abused herself, and that abuse has frozen her heart. She is simply not able to let me in and never will be. Not until we meet again on the other side, that is. When she adopted me, she vowed that she would be the mother that all children need. Damn the lies! The incessant need for love has kept me in a prison of my own device. When the song was over, I reached for my phone to change it to Pandora. I then received a nudge to keep it on YouTube and to let it play whatever was up next. I am glad I did! The set of songs that played seemed to perfectly narrate my life. Up next: ‘Gold Dust Woman’ by Fleetwood Mac Rock on gold dust woman Take your silver spoon Dig your grave Heartless challenge Pick your path and I'll pray Wake up in the morning See your sunrise loves to go down Lousy lovers pick their prey But they never cry out loud Cry out Did she make you cry Make you break down Shatter your illusions of love And is it over now do you know how Pick up the pieces and go home. Rock on ancient queen Follow those who pale In your shadow Rulers make bad lovers You better put your kingdom up for sale Up for sale Well did she make you cry Make you break down Shatter your illusions of love And now tell me Is it over now, do you know how Pickup the pieces and go home Go home Go home Pale Shadow Of a woman Black widow Pale Shadow Of a dragon Dust woman Pale Shadow Of a woman Black widow Pale Shadow She's a dragon Gold dust woman Woman, woman Songwriters: Stevie Nicks Gold Dust Woman lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd. Like the Jim Morrison song, she’s old and her skin is cold. When you imagine in your mind’s eye an ancient dragon queen, you may see the classic image of a giant winged creature with hard scales. You may also think that a cold-blooded dragon has no love for its prey. It is logical by nature, lacking the ability to nurture the same way a mammal would nurture it’s young. What if you could teach an old dragon new tricks? Her soul’s role in this lifetime is a human woman who has a heart frozen solid by trauma. She is a warm-blooded mammal, yet her ability to nurture her young is non-existent. She has allowed her pain to remain in her heart and uses it to keep her loved ones at a distance. The fear of being hurt keeps her from letting anyone in. She is very much playing the role of a dragon. She adopted me and promised my biological father, her brother, that she would raise me. Raising a child is about more than providing food and shelter. She kept me alive, but shattered my illusions of love. This song also dives deep into what was happening with her house and land at the time. Since my mom could not remember anything, my sister had her sign a document giving legal authority to make decisions on her behalf. This is a most difficult job, and I am grateful I did not have to walk in those shoes! She wrestled with the idea of what to do with her property if she was no longer able to live there. Everything was up in the air for a week, and it was immensely stressful situation for everyone. Would my mom put her kingdom up for sale? The synchronicity continued as I gathered the trash from my car. I always feel an undeniable surge of confirmation when these messages are coming in. It is like an activation button gets pushed from somewhere in the cosmos and suddenly I am online. During these times, I am super sensitive to unseen energies and acutely aware of all the is happening around me. I become mindful of my surroundings, the trees, the grass, the animals, the sky, the clouds, the numbers I see, etc. Literally everything becomes part of the download of information and contains clues as to what I am experiencing and why. Up next on the Spiritual Jukebox: ‘Rhiannon’ by Fleetwood Mac Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night and Wouldn't you love to love her? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and Who will be her lover? All your life you've never seen A woman taken by the wind Would you stay if she promised you heaven? Will you ever win? She is like a cat in the dark and then She is the darkness She rules her life like a fine skylark and when The sky is starless All your life you've never seen A woman taken by the wind Would you stay if she promised you heaven? Will you ever win? Will you ever win? Rhiannon Rhiannon Rhiannon Rhiannon She rings like a bell through the night and Wouldn't you love to love her? She rules her life like a bird in flight and Who will be her lover? All your life you've never seen A woman taken by the wind Would you stay if she promised you heaven? Will you ever win? Will you ever win? Rhiannon Rhiannon Rhiannon Taken by Taken by the sky Dreams unwind Love's a state of mind Songwriters: Stephanie Nicks Rhiannon lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd. The day that I moved out of my mom’s house in August 2018, I laid down to go to sleep in the motel room and heard a voice say, “I’m leaving. You can’t make me stay.” At first, I was unsure of who said it and why. After much consideration, I finally determined that this was the voice of my Inner Child. I put her through much pain and anguish in the name of filling the void within myself. She was desperate for me to be the mother she needed. It has been more than a month since the accident in my mom's garage, and I can tell you, I have given much thought to how I would finish this blog entry. I did a bit of research on the story of Rhiannon that inspired Stevie Knicks. I even looked into the fine skylark so I would be able to write an inspired and perfect ending to my story. The more I thought about what to write, the more I seemed to procrastinate. Perhaps this song will come to me and inspire another blog entry one day. Let me finish up by saying that my fairy tale ending of having a wonderful mother in this life is not before me. She is not able to provide that kind of love. It is not this life in these human bodies that I must refer to. It is the soul that is doing the learning through us. Her soul does love me, and that is enough. My mom has offered more than once for me to move back in with her and done her best to entice me to do so. She promises me heaven, but I know it is hell. With her, I will never win. These roles we play in these lives gives me the power to stand up and be mother I need. I am everything I need.
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AuthorMy name is Kerry Eppler and these are my true tales. Relax. Enjoy. Be inspired. Archives
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