Pandora Radio Teaches Me How To Love

​March 24, 2019
 
It’s been a while since I have used a computer to do my journaling. I am super excited I finally have a new one. Handwriting takes forever!!! I have so much to say, and so little time to say it.
 
I wrote an entry yesterday about the situation with my mom being in the nursing home. This is indeed a bittersweet symphony. It hurts to see her that way no matter how cruel she has been to me. She is still “my mom” in this life. That is her role. No matter how sick.
When I walked into her room the second day she was there, she was sitting on the edge of the bed wearing two hospital gowns and work boots. I couldn’t help but pour my heart right back into her. I heard a song by Florence + the Machine yesterday called ‘Moderation.’ How do I love her just a little bit? I have my guard up for sure, because with her, I fear the day she remembers her loathing me. Maybe that day will be rewritten.
 
Loathing turned to Loving.
 
I have been learning more and more how my guides are using music to communicate with me. Back on the 22nd of Feb was the two-year anniversary of the last time I chose to put a needle in my arm. Of course, I stayed up for three days over at Bruce’s house using, but the 22nd was the start of that event. I knew going over there that I was going to use. That was the plan. I just didn’t realize at the time that event would change my life forever. It was and still is one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn!
 
On that day, I had already been consciously aware of the anniversary. I thought about it yet tried to put it out of my mind. Run from it. I remember standing in the kitchen with a mop in my hand and listening to 91.7 KXT. Songs began to play that had me thinking about Tigers Soul and before I knew it, I was in tears. I wrote the succession down in a little notepad with plans to tell the entire tale later. This was now over a month ago. It really is a lot of information for one pen and tired hand.
So here we are.
The first song that captured my attention in the kitchen was ‘Shut Up and Dance’ by Walk the Moon. I have loved that song since I first heard it.
 
Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
She said shut up and dance with me
This woman is my destiny
She said oh oh oh
Shut up and dance with me
We were victims of the night
The chemical, physical, kryptonite
Helpless to the bass and the fading light
Oh we were bound to get together
Bound to get together
She took my arm
I don't know how it happened
We took the floor and she said
A backless dress and some beat up sneaks
My discotheque Juliet teenage dream
I felt it in my chest as she looked at me
I knew we were bound to be together
Bound to be together
Oh, c'mon girl
Deep in her eyes
I think I see the future
I realize this is my last chance
 
Those lyrics spoke to me and I felt like I was on a stage with Beings looking at me. Watching me as I stood under the beaming light bulb. I felt their presence. This would sound utterly paranoid to a “normal” person but for me, not so much. You see, that morning as I was laying in bed betwixt awake and dreaming. I had a vision of severl Feline Beings standing together. One was a peach color, one was blue, one black, one white. There may be a brown one also. They seemed to be dressed in some sort of robes or other cloth garments. They were very regal looking, and matched descriptions of Feline Beings I have read online and heard other psychics talking about.
After they appeared, I immediately heard a voice say, “We lost a lot of respect for you.” I also heard, “I was disappointed in you.” I think my heart sank lower than I have ever felt. I couldn’t unhear those words and unsee the beautiful Beings who said them. I knew that was mine and mine alone and I must own it.
Standing in the kitchen holding that mop and cleaning up the house while blaring music was my little way of escaping that pain that I was feeling deep down in my Core. When those lyrics began and I knew “they” were communicating to me, it was a game changer. I am always running from that pain in one way or another. Never wanting to sit with it and allow it to flow through until I am clean. Why am I wearing my guides out by making them chase me down this way? The lyric that initially activated this sequence was “physical chemical kryptonite.”
I begin to think of a million things at once. An alchemical epiphany. I finally understand how many of the tendrils of this communication works and how my lessons are being delivered and received. Was it my guides that felt this deep disappointment and shame over that choice I made on 222? Was it simply a reflection of how I felt about it my Self? I used the Formula of Compassion on the situation and yet would still lay in bed at night and shiver with shame to think of it.
 
The next song is ‘Enjoy the Silence’ by Depeche Mode. Depeche Mode is the band who sings the first song that taught me about the Spiritual Jukebox method of delivering messages.
Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand?
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence



 
That was powerful for me to sit and hear this. I knew the guides were communicating these words to me. By this point I had sat down on the coffee table and cried with my head in my hands. There was nowhere to run. No escaping the pain I felt. No explaining with words how much love I was feeling from the other side of my four walls.
Now that I am sitting here rereading those lyrics, I am moved by the pricelessness of this lesson! The words I heard with that vision of the Felines broke my heart in two. I was absolutely devastated by them. Words. Knowing that these Beings are unconditionally loving means the world to me. They have my back no matter what and I am perfect. There are no mistakes when I have been able to learn so much. Like Jelaila says,
 
“You can’t learn how to do it right until you learn how to do it wrong.”
 
The next song is ‘Gold Lion’ by the Yeah Yeahs. Funny band name. The title to this one assured me that I wasn’t simply going nuts! I felt Tiger was with me. Chewy was with me. I felt they ARE me. The love was searing through me like I have never felt before. I finally began to break down those 4 walsl.
Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is,
Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is,
Take our hands out of control,
Take our hands out of control
Now, tell me what you saw,
Tell me what you saw,
There was a crowd of seeds,
Inside, outside,
I must have done a dozen each
It was the height I threw, the weight,
The shell was crushing you,
I've been around a few
Tell me what you saw,
I'll tell you what to...
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ohh ohh
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ohh ohh
Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is,
Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is,
Take our hands out of control,
Take our hands out of control
Outside, inside,
This is the moon without a tide,
We'll build a fire in your eyes,
We'll build a fire when the cover's getting brighter,
Cold as I, makes the moon without a tide
Tell me what you saw,
I'll tell you what to...
 
I continued sitting there allowing the rush of intense love roll over and through me. That is when the most sentimental one of all came on. These songs seemed to flow in perfect harmony with the thoughts in my head. I knew Tiger was sending this one to me.
 
Lukas Nelson and Promise of the Real ‘Forget About Georgia’
 
Well I sure as hell didn't love her this much when I met her
Much as I was just captured again and again
She could turn her eyes away and still hold me under
A river of beauty and mystery pulling me in
And then when she told me her name I knew I would die slowly
I knew I was destined to live with this pain every night
For each night I stand with my father playing our music
We cry out her name and her memory under the lights
And each night I pray, I'll forget about Georgia
She'll never love me like I know a love's supposed to be
Each night I pray, I'll forget about Georgia
But a part of me hopes that she'll never forget about me
Oh, a part of me hopes that she'll never forget about me
We made love for the first time in a hotel in San Francisco
A night so perfect I try to forget about it now
And Ray Charles is singing her name like rain on my window
And I want to release her but I can't begin to know how
So I say Ray, let me forget about Georgia
Because she'll never love me like I know a love's supposed to be
I say Ray, let me forget about Georgia
But a part of me hopes that she'll never forget about me
 
Tiger was so much more than a cat. Than a pet. Saying these words in that succession does not come close to doing her justice. She means everything to me now. As these lyrics were played, I sat on the edge of the coffee table and cried. I was still holding back though. It may have been that evening or the next night that I began researching the lyrics to these songs and seriously contemplating how ashamed I felt for what I had done that led to her death. I pulled up ‘Forget About Georgia’ on YouTube and forced myself to sit with that pain. I was tired of running from it and knew that soaking in it was the only way to heal the wound.
I sat on the couch and allowed the tears to come out without objection. The image of myself sitting at Lynde and Shawn Davis's house after ten shots of vodka and several hits of pot sobbing uncontrollably and unconsolably. The tears rolled in as freely as if I had just drunk vodka. At this point, I stopped keeping track of what songs played on YouTube, but mark my word, they were not an accident. Each one seemed to know just what I was feeling and kept the tears coming for several minutes. The words of the Feline Beings tore through me as I sat with my head in my hands and I was not sure if I could ever earn their respect back.
The quote that helps me with this at this very moment is by James Russell Lowell:
“One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning.”
This does beg the question of whether it was known before Tiger and Chewy were ever born that they would die the way they did. I know we have exit points. Certainly, they knew it was a possibility and still took the risk. Did they love me that much that they would die for me? What kind of love is this?
 
This method of communication is becoming a bit clearer every time big events happen in my life. My mom has been in the rehabilitation center for five days now. I am certain that I am in communication with her through the Spirit Jukebox.
 
It has been 8 days since she fell in her garage and hit her head on the concrete. There was a brief moment where I believed it possible for her to become a sweet woman. I hoped she would be. I know Ella was terrified of the possibility of living with her ever again. I had already washed my hands of her before all this happened. Lila told me the other day that sometimes strokes will either change a nice person ugly or an ugly person nice. I have been to visit her and those visits have gone exceptionally well considering our past. I feared when that would turn back into the same old shit, but prayed it wouldn’t.
I have done too much compassion work to be able to see my 87 pound skin and bones mother laying in a hospital bed and not help her. She couldn’t remember her hatred for me and I thought I may actually have a mother! It is hard not to get your hopes up for your mother to finally be nice to you.
I was in a decent mood considering the lack of sleep and stresses in my life. I finished up my breakfast and the cleaning and decided it was a good time to hop in the shower. I put on my Pandora and said out loud, “Don’t play anything sad. I’m in a pretty good mood and don’t want to get all blaaahhhh.” Of course, I was curious about what would be played but not quite ready for what I saw!
 
‘The Saddest Song I’ve Got’ by Annie Lennox
Darling are you feeling
The same thing that I'm seeing
The troubles of the day
Took my breath away
Took my breath away
Now you're no longer talking
And I'm no longer listening
There's nothing left to say
Said it anyway
Said it anyway
And I want you not
And I need you not
I'm dying
Cause this is the saddest song I've got
The saddest song I've got
Darling are you healing
From all the scars appearing
Don't it hurt a lot
Don't know how to stop
Don't know hot it stops
Now there's no sense in seeing
The colours of the morning
Hold the clouds at bay
Chase them all away
Chase them all away
And I'm frozen still
Unspoken still
Heartbroken
Cause this is the saddest song I've got
The saddest song I've got
 
Yes it does hurt a lot and all these scars are healing. I was laughing at first when I saw the title of the song, but as I sat and listened to the lyrics and began to break down. Frozen still is a good way to describe the condition of my heart. I consciously felt myself holding back tears that wanted to be released. My heart was a prison for them.
 
March 26, 2019
 
Reading the lyrics of ‘The Saddest Song I’ve Got again this morning gives me the inspiration I need to let my mom go. Let her be. Turn it loose.
 
The other day she began to turn back into that mean old woman she always was. Biting the hands of the ones closest to her. Tisha had offered to build her a chain link fence and clean up the house for her. NOPE! She screamed hateful words to her just like she does me. It made me realize that Kalista was so right! She hasn’t changed voluntarily. She is exactly the same, but that, of course, is what she has chosen for the role she plays. I understand this now more than ever.
She wants me not. She needs me not. At first, those words cut me like a serrated blade. How could I allow my hopes to rise for a mother? I was disappointed, but those hopes didn’t have far to fall.
I am able to see the role she plays in that 87 pound costume, and appreciate her for what she is. Knowing that her Soul was right there with me in the bathroom while at the same time animating her body in the nursing home is absolutely priceless! I just listened to the next song again on YouTube. I noticed a 99 in the total views. It is ‘Love Love Love’ by of Monsters and Men. In the official lyric video, there is a horned animal sitting in a small boat in the ocean and below him is a water dragon.
Dragons can’t love? Horse shit!
 
Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know
And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you
So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Til it was near morning
All ‘cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you
 
 
The first lyric rang so loud in my ear that I had to pick up my phone and look up the lyrics. When she says “crook” it sounds a lot like she is saying “Kirk.” But that would just be too obvious! My mom cannot love because it terrifies her. She cannot allow herself to trust enough to let down her guard. She is frozen. She looks at us from across a crowded room and loves those less important to her because that keeps her heart safe. It keeps her heart locked inside that safe. It has essentially become inaccessible to those who think they should have the key. Funny that I have never had a key to her house. Tisha does, but mom is now totally paranoid that Tisha is trying to hurt her. She won’t hold the key for much longer.
 
I had sworn my mom off and decided once and for all that I did not have a mother in this life. I written her out of my life. Then the opportunity came for me to show my unconditional love and compassion for her. Despite all the horrible things she has said and done to me, I was right there by her side, loving her when she cannot love me.
 
By this point as I sat on the toilet, I had Goldie in my lap. I had initially not wanted to cry because of my “decent mood.” I was waiting for the next song with a curious ear as to what would be played next. Lo and behold, another tear jerker! My guides decided to play:
 
‘What About Now’ by Daughtry
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, from all the things that we are
Are not saying, can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky
And open up to, the ways you made me feel alive
The ways I loved you
For all the things that never died
To make it through the night, love will find you
What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, what about now?
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side, where love will find you
What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, what about now?
Now that we're here
Now that we've come this far, just hold on
There is nothing to fear
For I am right beside you
For all my life, I am yours
 
As I sat there holding on the Goldie, I felt the innocence of a small child holding her puppy. Tears flowed freely as the lyrics were heard in a totally new light. My mom was communicating with me and I was finally hearing. I have said before that I believe that my soul is the same as Martha's mother, Jessie Mae Scott. Wow, I just realized those are the same initials as John. JMS. Every time I see JMS I think of John. Not anymore! Wow!
 
Back to the soul linkage. I feel like I birthed Martha as Jessie Mae and then passed away. Then was reborn through Marion Lucille Blevins. Marion passed away and then was reborn as Kalista Lynn Eppler. This completes the triquetra. Three mothers linked together, each feeling the pain of loss. I have not passed away yet, but when I do, Kalista will no doubt feel she has lost me. The words “passed away” are not true. They perpetuate the lie of separation. I will not be away. I will be on the other side. The other side is not this ominous and unreachable place of darkness where souls pass away to. The new paradigm will prove much easier for human kind to communicate with their deceased loved ones. This is our birthright!
 
I have to get ready for my fun time with Brandon. We are going to see a movie this afternoon and redefining the definition of “fun.” We are seeing ‘How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World. I am super excited because poor Ella has been needing to do something fun for a while now. Hold on, Ella. Fun is on the way!! <3
 
That last song by Daughtry is also synchronistic just because of the name of the band. Daughtry...Daughter. The lyrics flowed with the thoughts in my head perfectly as I began to stop believing and start knowing that my loved ones are with me. As the knowing activated within my core, I felt afraid of what was happening. I felt fear on this “other side” they speak of. As soon as that fear hit me, I heard the lyric “There is nothing to fear.”  Goldie was so perfect as tears no doubt dropped into her beautiful golden fur. I held on to her like never before and allowed the unconditional love I was being shown to wash over me like a cleansing rain I have waited for my entire existence.
 
I have not gone to visit my mom in three days. I will go see her tomorrow and take her a portable DVD player and a couple of movies to keep her entertained. I will continue to do the things that I know she will never do for me because I love love love.