Memoirs of a Starseed Insomniac

It’s been a few months since I’ve written anything, but I felt oddly compelled to pick it back up this morning. I want to share what I have finally realized is one of my biggest sources of stress since my awakening began in 2015. Over the last five years, I have experienced months-long stretches where I barely sleep. I wake up all through the night for this reason or the other. Insomnia is one of my many diagnoses.
 
Since I don’t take medication, I have really been digging deep to figure out the cause of all this tremendous stress. Over the last ten weeks, I have slept only one or two nights for over five uninterrupted hours. One or two nights of this in the span of one week begins to take its toll on anyone, and here I am going on my third month.

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​So, what is the biggest source of stress that keeps me up at night since my awakening began? Belief. That’s right! Belief in myself. Belief in my journey. Belief in what the universe is showing me. Belief that the universe is communicating with me. My greatest leap of faith is to believe in myself. To genuinely believe in what my journey is showing me is to completely crumble the world I grew up believing existed. That world is limited by false constructs of belief. To continue to believe in a false, limited world where magic does not exist and the collective connection to spirit is nearly severed is to believe that I am plain crazy.
 
What my journey has shown me is that magic does exist. I create magic every day when I pay attention to the slightest synchronicity. When I really tune in, the synchronicity seems to slap me in the face. Is it truly slapping me in the face or greeting me with a smile and a hug? That is exactly my point! What do I choose to believe? Am I crazy? Or could there be another explanation?
 
Let me share with you an example of the sort of thing I experience almost daily. It all seems to revolve around the time I should be sleeping to rest my body and get me through the next day. Being fully rested sounds like a far-fetched fantasy at this point! While I am supposed to be sleeping, my soul is out in the cosmos doing all sorts of things and letting me know about it!

​One night about four months ago, I was “sleeping” and dreamed (or experienced) that I was on a roller coaster. The sky was pitch-black, allowing the stars to shine a vibrant, sparkling white. Someone was with me in the seat, but I could only feel their energy. I felt us rising uphill on the coaster and sensed the rush as we plunged downhill. As the coaster moved along the track, I gazed up at the stars to notice they took the shape of giant dog’s heads.
 
The eyes of the dog heads seemed to be staring into my soul and sparkled and shone as I peered into them. They knew me and held a powerful sense of familiarity and belonging. Their eyes blinked to get my attention, and they had it! As I awoke up from the “dream,” before my eyes even opened, I heard a voice clear as a bell, “Thanks, Lucian, for cutting it twice.” Then, as I opened my eyes, a song began to play in my mind.
 
Zayn & Taylor Swift, ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’ started to play and I lied there thinking deeply about the experience I just had. “Why the heck did I just see dog constellations blinking at me while riding a roller coaster? That was weird!” Now this song popped in my mind and I let it play out wondering what part was meant for me. There it was! “I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home.” Wait a minute! Am I not at home in my bed right now?
 
Is it possible that someone on the other side of this incredibly dense physical reality is trying to communicate with me? The very first crystal clear vision I ever had was in early 2016. I was lying in bed, doing my best to take a nap. (Sleeping was easier then because I was still taking Zyprexa) I lied there with my eyes closed, drifting into the space between worlds, when suddenly it happened! There was this imprint left in my mind, like someone had burned it into my brain. The scene unfolded so vividly it was as if I was watching a movie. Billy, the man my daughter was dating was standing before me, his profile facing me. There was a heavily wooded scene behind him, and the sky was dark.
 
As he stood there, there was no sound. This man began to shift and change into another creature. He was shapeshifting into a wolf! That is something I will never forget! Why would a scene like this suddenly pop into my mind? Where did it come from? It startled my head off the pillow, and I opened my eyes, unsure of what just happened. It was so realistic! The man who is dating my daughter just shapeshifted in what could only be perceived as a psychic/clairvoyant vision!

Just to give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is a video I found on YouTube from the ‘Underworld’ series. Oddly, that is where the name Lucian comes from as well…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASD1CT5b2rk
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The transformation happened quickly, but it was just as clear as what you see in the video. After the initial shock wore off, I continued my attempt to take a nap. I lied there for a few minutes, drifting once again into that vulnerable place that exists between the worlds. Suddenly, I felt an electric tingling on the crown of my head. The sensation was quite intense, yet the pleasure of it kept it from being too unsettling.
 
The tingling definitely had my attention, and I followed it as it drifted away from my crown chakra area down the right side of my head. If the vibration had not been so intensely pleasurable, I would have had allowed fear to take over and jump out of the bed immediately! It continued past my right ear and caressed my neck in such a way that I was quite aroused. Then it suddenly seemed as if someone clenched their teeth into the most tender and sensual spot on my lower neck. Before I knew it, my entire body was vibrating with such an intense pleasure that I almost had an orgasm right then and there.
 
When the sensations finally stopped, I sat up in the bed, completely baffled at what just happened. What do I do with this information? Who can I ask for advice? Absolutely no one! They would just think I needed a stronger anti-psychotic medication! Was I simply imagining this or was there a deeply imbedded root of truth that there is someone on the spiritual plane trying very hard to get my attention?
 
The more I plant my belief firmly into the physical world and listen to what doctors tell me, the more stressed I become. According to western medicine, I am simply a “schizophrenic” who needs their meds tweaked. This limited belief has caused me to stumble again and again back to addiction. It is when I turn my attention away from what these so-called “experts” tell me that I truly see the magic in this world. 

​One of the most interesting and intense “dreams” I have ever had involved me taking a portal to another location and waking up on a bed inside a dark, circular room with a wooden floor. It was similar to the top of a castle tower. There were several beds nearby and a few other people in the room. A couple of them were lying in beds next to me, all dressed in black. Some of them did not seem human. 
 
My throat was burning from smoking cigarettes and I was clearing my throat repeatedly which seemed to annoy the man in the next bed. He said in an impatient tone, “Would you stop doing that?!” I heard someone say, “She’s extremely dehydrated.” I needed to be tested to see if I was able to do a certain task.
 
I was then sitting in a chair next to an exceptionally large medical vat containing a clear liquid, likely water, or some kind of solution. Attached to the vat was a large panel of testing equipment, medical contraptions and a few electronic display screens. Operating this advanced piece of equipment was an attractive blonde-haired woman. Her energy was familiar and gentle. My right leg had a small band wrapped around it with a couple of wires extending from the band.
 
As I sat there, I looked down at my leg and noticed it was sitting in some water. The liquid in the vat in front of us turned bright yellow. The woman took my leg from the water and asked, “Do you have something on the back of your leg?” I turned my leg and saw a giant, gaping gash on the back of my upper thigh; it was a dog bite. Then the pain started, and I began shivering.
 
I began to wonder where my dog, “Bubby” was and started looking for him everywhere. One of the men dressed in black robes opened the floor into a secret cylindrical stairwell. The floor seemed to open in six-inch, square, mosaic puzzle pieces, a square here and there. I watched in amazement as each tile folded in on itself to reveal the passageway underneath. It was magical and odd and wonderful! There were dozens of holes peppered throughout the floor and I thought I’d better be extremely careful, or I might fall through.
 
I hear someone talking about an anchor being pulled up. The man standing next to me with dark hair is familiar. He is like one of my brothers, but I cannot seem to recognize his face. I asked him if he was scared to jump through the open floor, which he was not. He took a dive down into the pure darkness below and was not injured.
 
There was then a strange noise coming from a recording device to my left and I turned to face that direction. I went closer to the device and realized it was a recording of me speaking with two old friends of mine. I then heard myself talking directly to me. There was laughing and a relaxed atmosphere about the room, but I became increasingly nervous and frightened. The voices in the room as well as the recording started piercing into me as I listened to the message.
 
Another version of myself was telling me about losing “blue ones,” and “four or five at a time.” Not fully grasping the meaning, the fear took control and I started sobbing uncontrollably. That is when I began sensing all the other’s emotions within me and noticed the sensation of being on a sort of TV show. Everyone around me began clapping and I could feel their warmth and unconditional love radiate through me. I didn’t understand that due to my overwhelming fear I had been screwing up my life and that my guides, my soul, inner child, and basically everyone on the other side saw me as a failure.

My past addictions and horribly failed relationships all led me to the conclusion I was a major disappointment. I did not love myself, so why the hell did these strangers love me so much? Who was I to them? Overwhelming does not begin to describe the immense power of the unconditional love they had for me.
 
With all this going on, I reached for my pack of American Spirits and started to grab one. My own inner voice sternly said, “NO!” Then I began tearing up the cigarettes while a song I’d never heard seemed to play into the speaker inside my mind. The lyrics were vague, but the word “changes” was abundantly clear.

The clapping continued as I felt a new sensation come over me. It was as if I was being pulled from deep underwater, and the waves of  liquid were electric as they rushed over my skin. This sensation is difficult for me to describe. Orgasmic seems to be close, but it wasn’t a sexual intention. Soothing, pleasurable, intense, and consuming. I said, “What’s happening?!” Someone replied in an unmistakable voice, “Ascending.”
 
After this I woke up, completely aware that what I had just experienced was no ordinary dream! The sun was still not up so I lied back down in an attempt to fall back asleep. Before I knew it, I was back in the same room I had just left. There were many jumbled voices surrounding me, and I heard the blonde-haired woman say, “She shouldn’t be here right now.” My impression was that of urgent secrecy. A split-second later, I was in an alien hospital where the entrance to the secret room was removed. The walls were bright white and ceiling 200 feet high.
 
I could see where there was another large spiral stairway, but it was business as usual. Doctors and other staff walked around, some with white lab coats and others with business professional clothing. There were vibrant green plants and lush trees rounding the ascending stairway. Coming around the corner was a male doctor wearing his bright white lab coat. He was not human; he was blue with a light coating of what seemed like fuzzy skin. He was not quite cat like, but feline is the best way to describe him. Think of a blue Grinch, but without fur; that is what his head was shaped like.
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When I woke up again, I grabbed my voice recorder and did my best to use words to describe all I had just experienced. I was a bit shaken by it and knew without a shadow of doubt that it was no meaningless dream. Since then, I have given much thought about what all this stuff means. It gets a bit easier with time. Information without comprehension can literally plunge you into psychosis. It was difficult to wrap my head around, and still is!
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It has been said that our souls give us clues as to why we are here, and when you start to look for the clues, you will find them. For example, my mother’s maiden name was ‘Blevins.’ Blevins literally translates to “wolf.” Since my mother and father were not married at the time of my birth, I took my mother’s married name to my birth certificate, “Shepard.” What does a shepard do? They guard their flock of sheep from wild animals, including wolves. You can’t make this stuff up!

​Of course, there are many, many other clues as to what I am doing here and why. My soul definitely wants me to know and is certainly liberal with the hints! Another wildly vivid dream I had recently was where I was with a group of about 4 other people. We were walking through this picturesque land with mountains peeking through the distant fog into a brilliant blue sky. I told the man to my right, “I’m from the Isle of Skye.” We all carried backpacks and followed the path between the mountains on the horizon deep into a nearby cave.
 
As we neared our destination, I reached inside my backpack and pulled out a large, sharp dagger. I instructed the group to do the same and began talking about the mission at hand. We came to the middle of a room with a dozen washing machines, each spinning a load of laundry. (deep symbolism for the soul “wearing” a body) The “dogs” were coming and were on the attack, so we all hopped on top our washing machine and prepared for a fight. These were no ordinary dogs and we were specially trained to battle them.
 
For someone who does not experience these “dreams” it may be hard to fathom what our souls are up to when our bodies drift to sleep. Our reality is shaped based on our experiences. For me, I know that there is much happening that I don’t fully understand. Once again, it is highly intense for me to remain on the fence about my reality. Belief in my abilities is imperative if I am to beat this retched insomnia! One thing is certain, I am being taught the language of the Universe.
 
The other day, I was driving when a song popped on my Pandora Radio and suddenly it clicked. This whole starseed thing hasn’t fully sunk in, or it hadn’t until that point. I knew that I was one but only understood it in theory. Belief was standing in my way; I needed to truly believe in my experiences. A starseed is a soul from another star system, world, planet, etc. Is it any wonder that I have so many mystical moments where I sense the Universe, Spirit Guides, “aliens,” etc., are communicating with me? Of course, they are!!!
 
In my day to day life it’s so easy to forget my roots and become totally immersed in the life I am living here now. Yes, that is extremely important, but to remember my origin is to add another tool in my insomnia healing toolbox! In these crazy times, I know we need every tool we can get.