April 3, 2019
Lately, I have been having a recurring dream about Marisa not wanting to communicate or have anything to do with me. This is obviously a situation that is still nagging at my core. A couple of months ago, I made amends to her through a message on Facebook. I apologized for how I treated her in the past and explained how the events in my life caused me to behave the way I did. I did not make excuses for the behavior but explained what the pain had done in a way she could easily relate to.
I dedicated a song to her by Maggie Rogers called ‘Light On’ which means that I will leave a light on for her if she ever decides she will come around. This song is so relevant to our situation. One of the lyrics in the song says, “If you’re gone for good, then I’m okay with that.” I don’t know if Ella (my Inner Child) is okay with that. In fact, Ella has been showing me that she is very much not okay with that. She wants Marisa to play with her again, and that is why I have been having these dreams.
When I sent the message to her making my amendments, deep down I hoped that Marisa would read it and want to visit with me right away. She wrote me back saying that her light will always be on and that she loves me. She sent me a link to one of the songs we used to sing together as children, ‘I’ll Be There’ by Escape Club. I clicked on the link and listened to our childhood song for the first time in ages, allowing the tears to flow freely down my face. Marisa said that she would write more later on. That never happened, and I have not seen Marisa now in eight years. I wasn’t even invited to her wedding.
I get the feeling that in 2016 when she contacted me wanting to get together, she had no clue as to what I had been experiencing. At the time, I was in complete psychosis. I wasn’t able to tell which planet I was on, let alone hold a functional conversation with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. I was terrified of talking to anyone! Marisa tried a couple of times to talk to me but was not successful in that endeavor. She planned an impromptu class reunion for some of her old high school friends and invited me to join them. I looked at some of the names of the friends on the attendee list and once again, I was absolutely terrified!
Some of these people were cruel to me in school, and I had not seen them since. I knew that I would have major trouble navigating that kind of gathering even if I hadn’t been awakened so harshly in 2015. What in the world was I going to talk to these people about? I hadn’t yed talked to Marisa alone. My heart sank deeper and deeper into the pit in my stomach as I knew I wasn’t going to attend her party.
The cell phone number Marisa had for me was through one of those Wi-Fi calling apps since at the time I didn’t have cell phone service. She had tried a couple of times to call me and I didn’t get the call. I reached out a couple of times on Facebook and just couldn’t hold it together long enough to sound like a sane human being. It seems we both just gave up on rekindling our friendship at that time. It would be months before I was ready for normal interactions with people, as I was still learning how to walk between the worlds. To be candid, I was still learning how to communicate without being committed to the looney bin!
By the time 2017 was in full swing, I had begun using the Formula of Compassion and had a much better grip on the events that had transpired in my life. I began my YouTube channel and put my story out there for everyone to see. It was a huge weight lifted.
I slowly began to gain subscribers to my channel and learned that there are many others out there having these same types of experiences. It is wonderful to feel the support of others through these lonely and frightening experiences. I happily shared my videos on Facebook, hoping to gain more support from my friends and family. I did gain a few yet was sad to learn that not many of my Facebook friends would support my endeavors. Another childhood friend of mine subscribed and then quickly unsubscribed. That got under my skin for a while. If Marisa subscribed to my channel, then her privacy settings did not allow a notification.
I always wondered if she had seen my videos, but never asked. She never mentioned anything, but then again, we do not talk. Several months into 2017, I felt like I had a good handle on things and was ready to venture out into the world again. I sent Marisa a message and said I would like to get together soon. She replied back that her son had been caught at school smelling of marijuana and that day was not good. A few months later, I messaged her again asking to get together. This time, she read the message and sent no reply. What was it that caused this shift in her attitude toward me?
The only thing that I could think of is that she watched some of my videos or maybe she just looked at the titles of some of them and had a strong negative reaction. I am on a path of ascension and the information does not resonate with everyone. I keep thinking to myself that one day she will have a spiritual experience that causes her to shift her perspective and wake up out of the matrix. I tell myself that she will need me to keep my light on for her. I want to be the person who she thinks of that has been through it.
I still feel a strong sense of abandonment with this situation, but I had thought that it was completely cleared since I had already sent my amendment and received a positive response from her. I stuffed down the pain of losing her as a friend and immediately tried to move on. That doesn’t seem to be working.
In one of my dreams the other night, Marisa was unimpressed that I had remained sober for six months and made the remark, “I’d be surprised if you can stay sober a month.” OUCH! She kept walking and clearly did not want to be in my life. Then I tried desperately to explain that I was a bird, as if being a bird would explain why I had acted the way I did all those years. (Birds represent the Dark in the Game of Polarity Integration) When that didn’t work, I stole her purse and flew with it to the top of a nearby building. Why her purse? In the dream, she specifically wanted to make a phone call to her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, Thomas. The phone was in the purse which I had taken, and she was not able to call him. I remember feeling fear that I had made a mistake and that I would be caught and get in trouble.
In my dream the very next night, I had gone to visit her at an apartment complex. Once again, she didn’t want anything to do with me. I was in the leasing office and was shown a contract (our soul contract) resembling a lease agreement that said ‘REASON FOR VISIT: ALIEN” in one of the upper left sections. When I read this, I couldn’t believe she would refuse to be my friend because I was an alien. I immediately began looking around for a cigarette.
This tells me that in my contract with Marisa, we both agreed that she would not be in my life at this time. My Inner Child, Ella, must realize that this is not because Marisa does not love us. It means that there is something written in the contract preventing Marisa from reentering our lives at this time. The fact that Ella was looking to smoke a cigarette tells me that she is suffering greatly over what she can only perceive as the loss of a childhood friend, who at one time was our best friend. That wound is deep. Ella believes this is because no one loves her. I must act now to show her this is not true.
One day, when Marisa and I were about 15, we were hanging out in Irving at a friend’s house. I had already been occasionally using methamphetamine for a year. Marisa had stolen $100 from her dad and wanted to use it to have a good time that weekend. If memory serves me, she spent $40 on a bag of meth and maybe another $20 on weed. We were all hanging around getting high and when the meth was gone, I wanted more. Marisa said several times that she didn’t want to spend any more money. I kept on her like most who use the drug, begging for her to spend the money for it.
She eventually caved in and we all took off walking down the road to get it. I remember feeling quite miserable as the sun was freshly rising and none of us had slept. We drank orange juice in a futile attempt to make ourselves feel better. It wasn’t until the other day, after my dream, that I recalled this event. I was not a great friend to Marisa whatsoever. I look back on it now, and I can’t see much reason why she stuck around so long. I bullied her when we were kids. There were times when I forced sexual experiences on her (I recently found out I experienced childhood sexual trauma). I am not surprised she doesn’t respond to my messages.
Shame is what I am feeling the most of at the moment. Remembering all the bad things I did to her when I was younger makes me feel a horrible pit in my stomach and brings a profound ache to my heart. I carry with me a lot of shame from my former life that must be reconciled now. When she showed me the contract the other day (in the dream), in the form of a lease agreement, it made abundantly clear that the pain I am experiencing is why she cannot be in my life now. If she had responded two years ago and opened us up a bottle of that wine she got for Christmas, I may have ruined any chance at reconciliation. I am a friend of Bill’s who has self-medicated for many years. At first this seemed like a timing issue, but now I know that it is much deeper.
Here we go:
Step One: What is the lesson I wanted to learn regarding Marisa and our conflict?
The lesson is that I am not ugly. I am perfect just the way I am. My life has shown me many things about myself and I am learning more and more that I am just as beautiful as everyone else. Jealousy should no longer be an issue in my life. We choose the lives we have here. As souls, we are all unconditionally loved and accepted. After we die, and maybe even before, Marisa and I will reconcile our friendship.
I am good enough. I am still just as perfect as I always was; just as perfect as when I was a newborn in my mother’s arms.
Step Two: What is the role Marisa plays to act out her part in the lesson?
Marisa’s role is the “good seed”. The goody two-shoes one who seems to have it all. A close-knit family. Loving husband, great paying job, house, etc. Marisa never became hooked on any drugs or alcohol. Never took up the cigarette habit. Better than me on paper. People pleaser.
My role was the “bad seed” with lots of personal problems. The scapegoat. Pushover. Drug addict. Alcoholic. Schizophrenic. Alien.
Step Three: What is the contract I made with Marisa regarding this lesson?
The lease agreement in my dream said ‘alien’ and the is certainly how I have always felt around her. I keep seeing us on a spaceship or wearing a suit like we are part of a space crew. I have dreamed about us being on a ship together and know I am here for this healing to take place. It is not easy to sit here and pick these scabs. It actually sucks pretty bad!
My contract with Marisa is that she would be the good girl with the perfect life (in my eyes) and reflect back the ancient pain, trauma and wounds that needed to be healed in my Self and Mother. (Earth?) My lineage. I am following the heartlines on my hand, like the lyrics in the Florence song. I feel like this is connected to Corsicana. Core Sick Ana. (Ann translates to Mother in the ancient Hittite language. Many souls are here, in part, to heal the wounds of the planet, Mother Earth.)
I am embodying the sickness inside of myself so it can be healed. I needed Marisa to shine her light deep down into my core. You cannot fix what you don’t know is broken. It hurts that she is not in my life, but at least I know that her light is on. My light is also on. I will be around if she ever needs me to shine my light for her.
Step Four: What is the aspect I wanted Marisa to reflect back to me by playing her role?
The aspect I wanted her to reflect is darkness. I literally wanted her to shine so brightly in my life that it would place me in her shadow. The ugliness within needed that light to show it what a “normal” human female is supposed to be like. In most ways, Marisa was the opposite of me. She had the family I never had. She has brothers and loving parents. I never quite felt like I fit in when I was at her house. I felt like the alien in the room. I was the ugly, awkward, white orphan girl from two doors down.
I don’t remember consciously feeling jealous of her, but I did feel different. She would spend the night or visit my house and when she left, she would say, “Thank you for dinner.” “Thank you for letting me come over.” My parents always remarked at how sweet she was. All the while, I was secretly becoming the neighborhood monster. The mirror she held in her hand was a jagged-edged sliver of glass. It showcased all of my flaws and inner demons, even as a five-year-old child. Why on earth did I feel like such a low life at the age of 5? (I am currently working through this trauma with my Inner Child)
Step Five: What is the gift Marisa gives me by playing her role in this lesson?
Her gift is like a flower. I am able to sit here and reflect on what I view as “normal” and peel away layers of ugliness. I am able to redefine “normal.” Not every flower wants to look the same. As I said before, one of the qualities we share is being a pushover. I was a pushover because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I also wanted people to like me, so I would do things I didn’t want to do in order to be liked by others. I had no boundaries set for myself, so others easily took advantage of me.
This is the same with Marisa. She gives and gives until there is nothing left for herself. I haven’t seen her in years, so I do not know for sure how prevalent this theme is in her life now. I know she has a very giving and loving personality, and definitely used to have trouble setting healthy boundaries. If she saw my content on my YouTube channel and didn’t resonate with it, then why not just tell me the truth and talk to me about it? Why is she afraid to hurt my feelings? The Law of Attraction brings into our lives the people and situations that match our frequency. If she simply is on another path, then isn’t it better to be honest than to leave me hanging?
The ascension path is narrow, and by design, I am one of the few and far between who have attained this degree of awareness. Her life was way more sheltered than mine, so she has a much harder road to travel when it comes to a spiritual path. I am grateful that my journey has been so rough because I have a less bumpy road to travel from this point on. Another part of her gift to me is her indoctrination which will also make it harder for her if she allows herself to be red-pilled (shocked awake), if that is part of her soul contract. I do not feel like my friendship with her is over. Perhaps, by the time she does wake up, I will already be taking clients and be ready to handle her questions if that moment ever comes.
April 6, 2019
This is taking quite some time to complete. I felt like total crap last night and had a very hard time seeing the beauty in Marisa choosing not to be in my life. I employed the help of my guides through the Pandora Radio method earlier today and had a major breakthrough with the songs I heard. (I will lay down and close my eyes while Pandora plays, and allow myself to go into a slight meditative state in order to connect to Spirit) The songs played in this order:
‘Behind Blue Eyes’ by Limp Bizkit
‘Not Afraid’ by Eminem
‘Over Now’ by Alice In Chains
‘Nutshell’ by Alice In Chains
‘Patricia’ by Florence + The Machine
All of these songs helped me realize that Marisa does love me. She is giving me the opportunity to be “dark” and use the darkness to find the light. She is helping me integrate the polarity within myelf. In the Limp Bizkit song, the first lyrics are:
‘No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes’
I do know what it’s like to be the bad man. That is my role in this life and in this particular relationship. I play the “bad seed”. The name, Kerry, literally means ‘dusky’ or ‘dark.’
It was quite mystical listening to these songs as, once again, the lyrics played along with my thoughts and emotions in perfect synchronicity. In the Eminem song, I felt a huge release. I sensed the connection not only with Marisa, but with the mass consciousness of humanity’s darkness, Eminem himself, and the planet Gaia. (Divine Feminine Energy) There was something most poignant about simply laying on my couch with my eyes closed, listening to this song as tears fell easily down my face. I thought for a moment that I should look up the lyrics so I can read along, and at that exact moment I thought that, the lyrics were:
‘You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em’
These kinds of synchronicities continued with the next songs by Alice In Chains. Sometimes when I use the Formula of Compassion, I will go to the persons social media and look for clues that their soul may have left. I was in luck to find a reference to the ‘Alice In Chains’ Pandora Radio station that she had just listened the night before. After the Eminem song, I began that station and funny enough, one of my old favorites by ‘Alice In Chains’ came on. ‘Over Now’ was often played on repeat when I was a teenager. Metal and rock are pretty much all I would listen to back then. I always loved the guitar riffs. Little did I know that more than 20 years later I would be learning such a compelling lesson while listening to this song.
I could post the whole song here because it all fits so perfectly in this situation. I can say that about most of these songs. My guides did a fabulous job lining up these songs for me this morning! I am so grateful to them for helping me through this challenging time. I will sum this song up by simply saying that I am now paying my debt.
Alice In Chains resonates with me on many levels. The name of the band says it all. The chains of my pain have bound me to the misery that I couldn’t seem to escape. That is why I turned to drugs and alcohol in my former life. Several times during my awakening, I thought of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe this is one of the reasons why. Another favorite of mine is:
We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home
Ooh (4 x’s)
My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead
Right now, I fight this battle of polarity “alone.” I am alone, yet for the first time in my life I do not feel alone. The misprinted lies of false narratives have indoctrinated Marisa to be afraid of sin. I am deeply saddened that I do not have my long-time friend in my life anymore, but I will never take my YouTube channel down, or change any of the content I post. I will continue to share my stories with anyone who will listen. I believe that Marisa is not in my life anymore because she was scared away by what the content on my channel. The fact is that by my sharing my truths, I have lost a treasured friendship. Seeing the contract in the dream and telling her I was a bird has set true healing in motion. I will walk between the worlds fearlessly and hold on to nothing as I continue down my ascension path and remember that people enter our lives when they need to and leave when they need to.
The last song that helped me in this beautiful realization this morning is ‘Patricia’ by Florence + The Machine. I had asked out loud for one final song to show me exactly how Marisa feels, and, boy, I got it! This song also had the tears flowing freely, which is happening more and more. Marisa is afraid of the dark. I am embodying the darkness within me in order to integrate it. That is my job. Being afraid of the dark is not a fun way to live and this world seems cold to her and quite alarming. She was always the meek and shy one. She was raised Catholic, so I know that indoctrination is a huge factor. She was also strongly sheltered by her parents and big brothers.
One of my most fond memories of her is going to Six Flags together. She always hated the big rides because she was afraid of them. I was more of a thrill-seeker and loved the more frightening rides. I’m not sure what it is called now, but back then it was ‘Splash Water Falls.’ If you aren’t familiar with Six Flags Dallas, it is a smaller ride that takes you slowly uphill to a minor downslide into some water, splashing everyone on the way down. Before we got on the ride, Marisa asked me if it was a scary ride. I repeatedly told her that it wasn’t scary at all and not to worry. Once we were buckled in and moving uphill, I looked over and said, “It’s scary!” Isn’t that symbolic foreshadowing at its best?
Her heart, like mine, is huge and we are both easily taken advantage of. Neither one of us were ever taught how to create healthy boundaries with others in order to protect ourselves. My role also helps her soul learn that lesson. This is a two-way street. I am certain our contract also contains lessons in self-love. Boundaries are a part of self-love. Indoctrination into religion leaves a hole inside human beings because it teaches the belief in sin and forgiveness. We feel the need to constantly give to others and take nothing for ourselves. The Facebook post on Marisas’s timeline last night mentioned how happy she was in her life and that she has everything she needs. The look in her eyes stated otherwise.
I must succumb to the fact that my relationship with her may never be revived. I must realize that her soul knows what it’s doing. She is on her own life-journey, and things are just the way they need to be for the lessons she must learn. Yes, it hurts to not have her in my life, but that is a selfish and childish need that I must let go of. Unconditional love means that I must allow her to be on the path of her choosing. I must accept it for what it is and have faith that one day, she will find a space in her life for me again.
Step Six: Can I accept the role Marisa and myself play to act out the lesson?
Step Seven: Can I allow myself to let go of anger towards Marisa for her role in the lesson I wanted to learn?
Can I allow myself to let go of anger (and regret) towards myself for my role in this lesson?
Step Eight: Do I release Marisa from blame?
Do I release myself from blame?
Can I be kind to Marisa?
Yes, I can. Since I have already made amends to Marisa over messenger, I will write a letter to her soul.
***Since I have completed this situation again with the Formula, I have only had a couple other dreams about Marisa not being in my life, but I feel like this is my subconscious working itself out. I no longer feel the immense sadness I once felt about the loss of this relationship. I am aware that I may be led to use the Formula again on this relationship at some point in the future if the need arises. I will not be making any further attempts to rekindle the relationship but will always leave my light on.
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My name is Kerry Eppler and these are my true tales. Relax. Enjoy. Be inspired.