Now that I am free and clear of my nine-month sobriety hump, I am able to think a bit more clearly about the road ahead. For the last several days, I have been working on a pivotal issue using the ‘Formula of Compassion.’ It is a higher dimensional tool created by one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Jelaila Starr, that allows us to transcend polarity in order to view our lives from our soul’s perspective. When we see our lives this way, we realize that all the players in our lives are souls who are playing roles to assist us in learning valuable lessons. In many cases, we have been playing these roles for many lifetimes in order to learn particular lessons.
Since I began using the Formula two years ago, I have used it to clear 52 situations. The concept used in the Formula is very old, ancient in fact. Humans have been using a version of emotional clearing for decades already, and it has saved millions of lives. That version is called ‘The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.’ There are differences of course, but the premise remains. We are not victims of circumstance, because victims have no power. The 12 steps system is a wonderful tool, and I am still working the steps daily. I remember to give thanks daily for my sobriety, and I am still actively making my 9th step amendments.
Similar to the list you make in AA, with the Formula, you make a list of all the people and events in your life that has caused pain. As you can see, my list is quite extensive. The trauma is released in layers, and some situations must be taken through the nine steps of the Formula more than once, several times even. I am now delving into some extremely unsettling events dealing with my childhood which had a direct impact on my drug and alcohol use. In my last blog entry titled, ‘The Nine Month Hump, and I Don’t Mean Pregnancy’, I mentioned briefly my first encounter with methamphetamine. This is the traumatic situation I have been contending with over the last several days.
When I was 14, my aunt’s boyfriend asked me if I wanted to try something cool. At the time, I had no clue that I was about to see my first bag of meth. It was pretty, pink and shiny. That was the first thing I noticed. I knew that I should probably not snort the line he chopped up on the dresser, but I was only a kid. I snorted it, and immediately felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.
I never figured until now what his intentions were when he offered me that line. I suppose I suppressed this event because I did not want to contend with it. This event was not on my original list until a week ago. Why is that? I ask why, but my heart and soul know the answer. This event is tied directly into sexual abuse and trauma. This door is one that I cannot close once it has been opened, so I have delayed the inevitable until now. The door has flown open and I am looking directly at my core issues at hand. These are the very reasons I medicated myself for years, and the band-aids have been removed.
All my experience with meth has taught me many things. One of those things is just how horny most users get. At age 14, I was clueless of this fact. When that first line began to wear off, and I asked for my second line, it was hours later. Everyone had gone to bed and I was still wide awake. I snuck into the bedroom where my aunt and her boyfriend were sleeping and sat next to him on the bed. I gently shook him and asked for another line. He woke up and put his hand on my left thigh and said, “What’ll you do for me?” I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough!
His intention was sexual from the beginning. I think he believed that I would enjoy the feeling of meth so much that I would perform sexual favors to get more. It is possible that he believed the line would make me desire him. This knowledge is compounded by the fact that at other times, years later, I did get more from him, and he was creepy then also. I never had a sexual relationship with him in any way, but I could tell it was on his mind. He was not good at hiding his intentions, nor did he plan to hide them.
For me, meth was a way to completely disassociate from my body. In the later years of my addiction, when it was at it’s worst, I would bury myself in spiritual research and seclude myself from everyone around me. There were times when I was so “out there” that when people would try talking to me, I would tell them I didn’t want to talk. I was so far in outer space that my body and my sexual nature were the absolute last thing I wanted to remember. I see now that this was by design.
Now that I have been clean from meth for more than two years, I am ready to integrate my spiritual energy into my body. This process so far has been uncomfortable, to say the least, but much needed. I must allow my body time to catch up to my consciousness and coalesce my experiences with love and compassion. I am contemplating whether I will post all or part of the completed issues to my website, making them public. Of course, I would redact some of the information and change the names of the people who were involved. I will have to give this thought some time to consider, and maybe seek advice from a couple of trusted friends.
Let me close this entry by saying that if you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life and you would like to heal yourself from the pain that trauma brings, then emotional clearing will not steer you wrong. I must say that for me, the ‘Formula of Compassion’ and ‘12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous’ saved my life. These multidimensional tools have allowed me to regain my power as a human on this planet, and begin making life-changing, positive decisions to reach my highest potential. There is a light of hope for all of us, but we must be willing to see it.
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My name is Kerry Eppler and these are my true tales. Relax. Enjoy. Be inspired.