My Alcoholic Lives

How many lives have I lived as an alcoholic? I have had dreams and other phenomena that made it very obvious that I have struggled with alcohol addiction in other lives. On June 22, 2017, I had a dream that I wrote in a physical dream journal about alcoholism that I would like to share:
 
(Copied verbatim from my journal)
 
“I am a really bad alcoholic and sitting with two men. The man on the right side of me has dark hair and dark eyes and knows me very well. I recognize him and we have known each other a long time. The man straight across the table from me has lighter colored hair and is talking to me about how I used to be drunk all the time and seems upset with me. I look at my friend on the right and back to the other man and say, “If only I knew who the fuck you are.”
He pulled out his phone and handed it to me. I took the phone and selected a video. In the video I saw myself sitting in a large room much like the one we were in. I was sitting at a buffet-style table with straightened hair and wearing a sleeveless beige dress. I hold up my glass to him and say something sarcastic as my toast to him. The room we are all sitting in in the video was a very large baseball field sized room with no ceiling. There are many tables covered with white cloths for people to eat on. There is a large projector and a stage in front of the room.
 
I am no longer drinking at this time. I still have no idea who the man sitting across from me is, and it actually does bother me that he is upset.”
 
End dream
 
At the time this dream took place, I had been using my dreams to communicate with my guides on an almost daily basis. Before bed I would ask my guides to communicate with me in my dream state anything that I needed to know that would assist me in whatever lesson I was learning. I would then state that I would like to remember my dreams five times in a row out loud. This told my subconscious mind that I do indeed remember my dreams. Upon waking I would immediately grab my journal and write whatever came out.
 
This eventually became too intense for me at the time because I did not have the clarity to properly interpret the symbolic meaning of the dreams. I stopped keeping track of the dreams for a while and did not pick it back up until about a year later. Some would say that our dreams are simply the subconscious mind working out the details of our daily lives in a metaphorical way. In some cases, this is correct. For me, I have had lucid dreams since I was a small child. Some would say our lives are the dream, and the other side is true reality.
 
Our perception of reality is solely based on the evidence that our experiences have presented. Not everyone views reality in the same way. Learning early on that my dreams were a method of communication was vital to the way that I now see my reality and the state of the world. My world view is not the same as other people out there, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my version of reality. I firmly believe in reincarnation and that we are powerful souls living many lifetimes to learn lessons. I have been shown things along my journey that has made me question reality in the fashion it was originally presented in school and in church. If everyone on the planet had seen and experienced the things I have, they would likely also see through my lens. That truth is that we are multidimensional beings, living multiple lives and we are co-creators of our own journeys.
 
From the years 2007 through 2013, there are blank spots in my memories. Large chunks of my life are merely blurs in my mind. I was drunk almost on a daily basis, most times to the point of blacking out. Like they say in AA; I didn’t go to sleep at night, I passed out. Instead of waking up in the morning, I came to. I would stroll into work, a lot of times in a cold sweat from still having alcohol in my system. Much time was spent in the bathroom on those mornings, hugging the cold porcelain. It is a miracle I was able to maintain my income as long as I did.
 
In 2009 I was at an educational convention in Las, Nevada. This was first of two conventions I attended in Vegas during my employment with this company. Each time, I was there for ten days, and never felt more alone in a crowded room. I would go to the bar at night and sit alone, drink in hand, waiting for the next ‘love of my life’ to find me and swoop me off my feet. Looking back, I was waiting for the next distraction. While sitting at the bar one evening, a group of instructors and board members came up behind me and started a conversation. Apparently, my lower back tattoo was showing and became a conversation piece.
 
Beginning the next day, rumors were flying around that I was the “Education Office Whore” and that if you wanted to sleep with me, you could go into the Education Office and let my boss know you would like to rent me. This rumor continued through the remaining years I was employed there. It did not help matters that I was afraid to hurt my boss’s feelings by telling him that I did not feel comfortable going to lunch with him all the time. Allowing him to co-sign for my car in 2011 was also not the best idea.
 
There came a point where I confronted one of the other employees about the rumor directly. I went into her office and asked about it. She admitted it by saying it was only a joke, but she had heard it. I was almost in tears when I left her office and went to my boss who at this time was now the Executive Director of the company. I told him about the rumor and about how upset it made me. He said that he would take care of it and not to worry. The rumor persisted, and it became a hostile work environment.
 
During the second Las Vegas convention in 2012, I had had enough. I was at a party where a lot of employees, board members, association members and students were in attendance. One of the board members asked me to dance, and I politely declined. He refused to take no for an answer and grabbed me by the left wrist and twisted it so hard that pain shot through where I had had surgery in the past. He wasn’t aware that I had two steel plates and seven screws in that wrist, and was so drunk, I doubt he cared. This upset me so much that I took off with a student friend of mine to the bar for a drink.
 
While we were at the bar, the friend told me that the same instructor/board member who just grabbed me had asked him the night before, in reference to me, “Have you had any of that yet?” That was the end of my rope. I began drinking very heavily after that, taking shots. The employees were all asked to attend a gathering upstairs in the company President’s hotel suite. I was very drunk by the time I arrived, and I began to cry in the middle of the party to one of the board members. Another employee who was always nice to me convinced me to leave the party.
 
Instead of going to my room and calling it a night, I went back downstairs to the bar and continued drinking. By the time I “came to” in the morning, I was already late for work. I was supposed to proctor the exam for the students decided to continue my spree. I opened up the mini fridge and grabbed a Heineken with the distinct feeling of not caring if I lived or died. One drink after another, I slowly pulled myself together to make the trek into work. By the time I arrived on duty, I was drunk. One of the students came by to check on me and asked me if I needed anything. I told him to run to the store and get me a 24-ounce beer, and an empty paper coffee cup for me to pour the beer into. About ten minutes later, he delivered.
 
I excused myself to go to the restroom where I poured the beer into the coffee cup and began to drink it. Then, I felt it was a good idea to take a long break where I went outside to smoke a cigarette and finish my beer. By the time I got back to the exam room, where about 150 people were taking examinations, I was so drunk that I laid down on a table in the back on the room. My apathy had taken over. Surprisingly, I was not fired after this incident. That came a month later and began a downward spiral in my life.
 
Over the last couple of years, I have dreamed about alcohol and drugs many times. This is obviously a recurring theme in my life that I must tend to. Alcoholism runs in my family. As a Starseed, I know that I am here to heal this in my family lineage. I know that I have many who are counting on me, not just here in form, but on the other side as well. The Formula of Compassion has helped me tremendously in healing many wounds, and now surfacing are some very ancient wounds that have been buried for many years.
 
I remember back in early summer of 2018 having a dream where I was in my old room at my mom’s house going through a stack of old photographs. There was a little dark-haired boy, about seven years old who lived there. As I was going through the room, packing up the old photos, I realized that the boy’s mother died from an alcohol related illness. I got the distinct feeling that little boy was my son.
 
The last time I drank, in September 2018, I drank to the point of a blackout. I came to about 5am to use the restroom, still wearing the clothes from the night before. I felt so horribly sick that I thought I might die. Being plagued by horrible nightmares, I had an extremely difficult time staying asleep. In fact, the nightmares continued for weeks. The one that woke me from my sleep at 5am was where I was being forced to sit down in front of an old television set. The sensation of me being forced down was so lifelike that it terrified me. Some unseen force was shoving me to the floor. The tv screen was extremely staticky, and I could barely tell what was on it, but I knew I was supposed to see something. The room was covered in an icky brown carpet, floor, walls and ceiling. It was almost like a padded room, but it was a one room apartment.
 
The scene changed, and I was suddenly outside. It was extremely ominous as I walked around in the darkness. I came across an older white couple who were like gypsies in the night. They began to tell me about my son, and I told them that I do not have a son. They acted like they were afraid to tell me the truth, but they specifically meant in another lifetime. The feeling in my chest during this encounter was not pleasant, and I felt a distinct feeling of remorse.
 
Over the last year, since I left my mother’s house, I have had some major developments involving some recurring dream changes. One of the dreams in particular is one where I am attending high school, yet I have already graduated. I am usually walking around in the hallway looking for my locker or searching for my classroom. After I left my mom’s house last year, I dreamed this again, only this time I was in the lunchroom letting a couple of my classmates know that I have already graduated and will not be returning. I showed them my high school diploma. As soon as I opened my eyes upon waking, I grabbed my phone to check my notifications. There was a tweet from Kanye West posting a freestyle called ‘Spaceship Calling Earth.’ One of the lyrics he repeated many times was “We need a new graduation.” Coincidence?
 
This graduation dream has had yet another pivotal change recently. I have not had a drink of alcohol in nearly ten months. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I was in a classroom that I had never seen before. I walked in and noticed my teacher was a short blonde woman. I walk past her and look for an empty seat, finding one in the back of the classroom. There is a young blonde man with glasses sitting next to me, on my right. We are handed an examination and begin to look at it. The questions are neatly written on the paper, but they are not in English. The words look like a bunch of jumbled up gibberish, symbols and such. The language does not compute, and I am totally confused by it.
 
The dream continued and I talked for a while about the exam with the blonde man, joking around about it. It was then time for a break, and everyone walked out of the classroom. Suddenly, I was on the bottom level of the building and everyone is standing around casually talking. There are dozens of students all around me. The walls were concrete, and the room was rather dim. I was smoking a cigarette but knew that I had to once again set a quit date. (This is another recurring dream.) I began walking back upstairs toward my new classroom when the instructor who is standing behind me says, “Here you go.” I turn around and she has two beers in her hands. A student to her left takes one of the beers and immediately begins to drink it. I reach for the other beer, but stop myself and say, “Oh, I can’t. I’m a friend of Bill’s”
 
I turn back toward the concrete steps and begin to make my way back to my classroom. I hear someone say that it is on the 7th floor. I get back to my class and sit down at my desk, picking up the test that was jumbled before. The test is no longer written in an alien language, and I am able to clearly read all of the questions. I look back up and notice that I am the only one in the classroom who has made it back from break. End dream.
 
These are just a couple of examples of dreams that have been communication with the other side. I have had many others as well, but I feel like I have made my point. I have also had some very odd synchronicities that I want to share with you involving music being played precisely at the moment needed to make its point.
 
Last year after helping my dad out with some cleaning at his house, I stopped by the HEB in Ennis to pick up a good bottle of wine. I knew all along that I really shouldn’t be drinking but had recently picked it back up again. I walked into the store, paying no attention to the music playing over the store speaker system. As soon as I turned the corner to the wine aisle, a song came on that stopped me in my tracks. ‘I Do Not Hook Up’ by Kelly Clarkson began to play, and I had a million thoughts running through my head at one time. The first line of the song is “Sweetheart put that bottle down, you’ve got too much talent.” Could I really be that special that my guides lined up this song especially for me at that exact time I was to turn the corner and see the wine aisle?
 
It may seem like it was a simple coincidence. To me, I knew better. So lately, I have been grieving the alcohol. For a long time, alcohol was a part of my life. It was my crutch I could run to when things got too stressful. Alcohol for me was an escape. I know that I am nowhere near though with my emotional clearing, but I have been running the thought through my mind that one day, maybe years from now after my healing is completed, that I would drink again. The stress in my life has been so great that I have been rationalizing a relapse. No Bueno.
 
I was with my friend, Brandon, yesterday and we were on our way to Braum’s for some ice cream. On the drive there, we passed by many places where he used to use drugs. I told him how proud I was of him that he could be right there in the middle of all of that and not be triggered. He told me he felt that since he was working the AA program that he had been given immunity to relapse. This is one of the 10th Step Promises if you keep in fit spiritual condition. He then asked me, “Don’t you feel like you have immunity too?” I told him no and that I was scared because of how easy it would be to just go get a six pack of Blue Moon. No sooner than those words finished coming out of my mouth, I heard the words, “That is what they all say. You'll drink yourself to death.”
 
After hearing this, I looked over at Brandon and asked, “Did you just hear that?” I couldn’t believe the timing of what we just heard on my Pandora radio. Wow! I had to pull out my phone and look to see what the song was. ‘Icarus’ by Bastille. Never heard it before, and after reading the lyrics, I was completely blown away. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind and in my reality that there is a higher power. This is my own soul and it is more real than anything I have touched with these hands.
 
I spoke with my sponsor today about all of these doubts that I have been having about drinking. One of her favorite AA sayings is “Once you are a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again.” If I play that drinking tape all the way to the end, who gets hurt next time? Of course, I always have my free will option to walk into that store and buy that six pack. We all have free will. It is sometimes easy for me to let up on my spiritual connection and fully immerse myself in this physical world I chose to enter. My eyes must stay on that higher vibrational prize though.
 
When I begin to feel myself losing my balance, I have to remind myself that I am not alone in this world. Most of my life has been spent feeling like a victim of circumstance. I felt like life just sort of happened to me, and I had absolutely no control over anything. Since my awakening process began, I have learned that this is completely untrue. I know that my parents are with me, and that I chose the lessons I have in front of me. I am no longer the sad, lonely drunk girl at the party. Stepping back into my power and my divinity as a human has been the most magical experience of my life, and I am redefining the word “fun” into something that doesn’t involve drugs and alcohol. It has been extremely challenging, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.