This journal entry is part of a collection I call “Documenting Psychosis.” I have other entries where I describe what was deemed to be psychosis during my most confusing and difficult times of my initial awakening/activation/walk-in. These concepts are not easy for me to describe, but I do my best to convey the perceptions of reality that I had during the events I entail.
November 17, 2018
On May 27th, 2015 I had the first of what would become known as “existential eye exams.” I had been on dope steadily for a year and was ready to end that addiction because I knew it was taking me in a horrible direction. I prayed for a change, and that prayer was answered the same day. It all began when my friend, Mike, picked me up and took me to get a contact lens exam. My last pair of lenses was damaged, and I had been without them for about four days. I did not have glasses at the time. Being unable to see the expressions on the faces of those who I was talking to left me feeling extremely isolated and misplaced. It then turned into a near euphoric state, and I felt like I was on another planet, only seeing colored blurs everywhere.
By the time Mike arrived at John’s house, I was more than ready to see again! I continued squinting while Mike drove to the Wal-Mart vision center. We missed our exit and somehow ended up going the wrong direction. We finally made it to the parking lot of a Wal-Mart where I knew a fresh pair of contact lenses awaited. We walked inside the optometrist’s office and I noticed how much nicer it was than what I was expecting. I could only make out blurs, but I could still tell how fancy the place was.
I immediately noticed the strange sensation that I was being observed. Paranoia at its finest! I had finally reached that level of meth addiction where I believed I was being watched! Oh boy! I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, and it was an overall uneasy feeling. Mike and I sat down and waited on the assistant to call my name. If memory serves correctly, we were the only customers in the office. There may have been someone leaving as we went inside. I did the air puff test and the initial vision test and then proceeded into the main examination room.
After a couple of minutes, the doctor arrived and began talking to me, asking me questions. She was a short and petite Asian lady with long black hair. I seem to remember feeling very paranoid about things like how my breath smelled or how bad I smelled like a cigarette more than anything during the exam. When she was done looking into my eyes, she rolled her doctor’s chair to my right and began typing things into a computer. I continued to feel increasingly strange. It was a feeling of being on a stage where everyone is an actor. It was surreal. Suddenly, everything being said had a secret meaning behind it, and what was typed into the computer became code for something else.
This begs the question of “who?” Who was watching me? Who was speaking through code? Why was I now under the impression that my eyes were being examined for more than just contact lenses? Something was happening and I had no idea what or why, but it was something for sure. Was I going nuts??
We get done and I put the fresh pair of lenses in my eyes. Being able to see again was a huge relief. Words don’t do much to express how pleased I was to finally put a face to all the talking blurs! Regaining clear vision seemed to end the awkward feeling there was someone was watching me from above. It was almost as if by my seeing clearly in the usual 3D view, the higher perspective was then limited or cut off.
When we returned to John’s neighborhood, Mike and I went to a nearby gas station. I will never forget picking out wine with a beautiful star on the bottle. (During the awakening, I stared at this star for a long time.) I took the bottle up to the counter and accidentally knocked a take one/leave one plate of pennies onto the floor. I reached down to pick up the pennies and noticed there were three pennies with star-shaped stickers on them. I found the coincidence amusing and showed them to Mike and the cashier. I even kept one of the pennies as a souvenir, not yet realizing the major significance. (That I am a Starseed.)
When we got back to the garage, it was but a few hours before my experiences began. One of the first things that I saw after the activation was glyphs in the sky. I wasn’t sure what the symbols meant so I asked Mike and John if they saw them. Of course, no one else saw anything but clouds. At one point, I was looking on Mike’s cell phone at an app called Star Chart. While looking at the app, I had ventured from Earth to some far away constellation and when I tried to make my way back, I felt as if my body were falling through space. It felt like I was literally falling back down to the Earth. It frightened me because I thought I was falling through my seat!
It was during this evening when I looked at the TV thinking that the screens were flipped. The actors on the screen were able to see me and I was the one being filmed. It was odd to say the least. Suddenly, it was as if the entire world were flipped on it’s head. A switch somewhere in the cosmos was activated and my thoughts were forever changed. My Walk-In had just occurred and the focus was on me.
The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom, staring up at the bright heat lamp. I gazed into it like it was an eyeball. It had a very “medical” or sterile feel to it, like I was being examined by a doctor who was looking down into it. It was very AI. I remember distinctly feeling like I was being watched over and cared for by a doctor. It was a loving feeling and I was not afraid by it; it was just another one of the many new and foreign thoughts now rushing through me. It was during this time that I looked into the mirror and witnessed my pupils dilate so large that the green of my eyes was nearly blacked out. At that point, I began to panic and thought I was about to be turned into a house cat. I started to pant and then ran out of the bathroom completely naked.
I don’t know how much time passed after the initial activation, but I know at some point I felt compelled to pull the contact lenses I just received out of my eyes and flush them down the sink. The thoughts flowing into my head gave the impression I could see better without them, so I listened. There was much confusion. Why would I throw my brand-new contact lenses down the sink after going to so much trouble and costing Mike so much money to get them? How could I possibly see better without them? What the hell was happening to me? What was I meant to see?
The second existential eye exam happened about a year later, after an incident that landed me in jail. The experience I had those three days in jail is worthy of its own journal entry, as it was quite remarkable. I still did not have a pair of glasses at the time and my contact lenses were so dried out that I took them out and threw them on the floor. So once again, I found myself in a situation where I saw only blurs which molded my version of reality. The things I saw in there will not be forgotten anytime soon!
The night I got out of jail, I was sitting outside my mom’s house observing nature. My mother lives far in the country, surrounded by large trees, and I thoroughly enjoyed being outside meditating on the world around me. As I sat in a plastic chair near the center of her yard, I felt a strong chilled wind hit my back. Suddenly, my back began to tingle from the base of my spine to the top of my neck, all the way to the back of my head. I exclaimed loudly and turned to look behind me. It was very dark and what I did see with my eyes was blurry, so I could only perceive my surroundings using my intuition. I was not alone. I was not afraid, and I was not alone.
I continued observing my surroundings and discovered the magnificent glow of the moon. It was positioned just above my head and a little to the right. It looked a lot closer than it should have been, but, again, my blurred vision had left me in a euphoric state. It was difficult to gauge typical reality. I focused on the moon, feeling a nudge to stop blinking for as long as I could. I complied though I didn’t understand why and felt quite silly in the process. Nevertheless, I felt the nudge and paid attention. I will do my best to describe what I perceived.
The moon seemed to be a child of some sort being born. It was coming down closer and closer to me as it was appearing more and more like cells in an embryo dividing and multiplying, shaping into more and more cells inside of itself. I distinctly felt the presence of some other type of energy, watching and observing what I was seeing. Looking through my eyes, to see if I was perceiving what I should or could perceive. I felt like there was an ebb and flow happening with the moon, like contractions of labor and steady calculated breathing. It felt as it my eyes were acting as some sort of assistance to the birth of a new moon. At one point I also felt like there was a presence on the other side of the moon looking down into my eyes like a scientist looking down the lens on the end of a microscope.
This was not the first time I felt a presence looking through the moon down at the earth. It happened during the 2015 blood moon/eclipse in Fort Worth. While watching the event take place, I got a distinct feeling there was a Bird or Feline Being scanning the earth. Another instance took place as I stood outside one bitterly cold night. I was standing with a blanket wrapped around me, staring at the clouds, moon and stars. I felt as if I were the “old lady and the dragon,” whatever that means. I gazed at the clouds, noticing the way they shapeshifted as they flew under the moon. A dragon with very large wings took form and began flying down as if to swoop me up.
The next existential eye exam is something that happens all the time involving the “floaties” in my field of vision and the “fuzzies” I see when I look at the sky. (At one point I thought of them as souls or spirits.) I was sitting outside the other day with the dogs, in mindful meditation. I would be looking at some object, and there would be a butterfly flying around. I would be staring off into the beautiful, clear blue sky. The sky made a sort of blank canvas in the background. As the butterfly would fly by, I would then see a large dark floaty follow along its path. Then a bird would fly the opposite direction and another set of swirlies would follow it. There was a synchronized flow began involving everything in my field of vision.
There was a swarm of tiny gnats directly in front of me floating in the same manner as the electrified orbs I see when staring at a blank sky or other blank canvas. I was thinking how everything is waves of various energy patterns. Everything is conscious in its own way. That swarm of gnats blended in with the energetic orbs in the background, dancing along with everything else flying by, including the large dark swirlies. Everything was syncing up with my vision to the thoughts in my head. I saw a bird fly from a tall tower directly in front of me and flew straight over my head. I felt the energy of that bird as a red almost heat going through my entire body, like a fuzzy warmth and allowed it to wash over me.
I felt nudges to look up, so I looked up. I kept looking up and noticed how purple the sky was instead of blue. As I stared off into the space directly above my head, I saw a flock of majestic white birds flying just over me, in the exact location I was staring. I fixed my gaze upon them as they flew in a wonderful pattern above me. I felt as if I were meant to see them at that exact moment, but not 100% sure the reason. They seemed to be swimming in the density of the sky.
As I sat in continued mindfulness of all the events around me, it all seemed to fit together like a symphony in my mind. I thought about something that John mentioned a couple days prior. He was explaining in his usual scientificky and dry way about how energy waves work. The Doppler Effect. Everything is energetic waves. I began to imagine everything as a whole cohesive unit, with many waves of energy dancing around. Like a pool of water with various objects inside of it. One tiny ripple will flow into all the other pieces and be felt by all. All these things in my mind, in cohesion with the visions in my eyes brought me to one word. “Calibration.”
I felt as if somehow the world, at least my version of the world was being calibrated for something much, much larger than myself. There are lots of other bits and pieces of this that helped bring me to that knowing. I have learned much along the way in my journey and cannot possibly recall every single puzzle piece. Our synchronicities are for us to see and allow magic to flow into our lives. Sometimes things simply resonate as your truth and you must trust that as your truth. Trust your nudges. Trust yourself. Your Soul will not lead you astray.
My name is Kerry Eppler and these are my true tales. Relax. Enjoy. Be inspired.